Movie Quotes

[from trailer]


Needy Lesnicky:
I thought you only murdered boys.


Jennifer Check:
I go both ways.

Jennifer Check:
[about to kill Colin] I need you frightened.

[Throws him around some more]


Jennifer Check:
I need you hopeless.

[from trailer]


Chip Dove:
I can take care of myself. I've been using the Bowflex.

[from trailer]


Needy Lesnicky:
Jennifer's evil.


Chip Dove:
I know.


Needy Lesnicky:
No. I mean, she's actually evil. Not high school evil.

[from trailer]


Jennifer Check:
You need a mani bad. You should find a Chinese chick to buff your situation.

[from trailer]


Jennifer Check:
It smells like Thai food in here. Have you guys been fucking?

[from trailer]


Needy Lesnicky:
You're killing people?


Jennifer Check:
No. I'm killing boys.

[from trailer]


Nikolai Wolf:
I think it's important to reach out to our fans in the shitty areas, too.

[from trailer]


Needy Lesnicky:
I will finish you if I have to.


Jennifer Check:
Ok, you can barely finish gym class.

Needy Lesnicky:
You know what? You were never really a good friend. Even when we were little, you used to steal my toys and pour lemonade on my bed.


Jennifer Check:
And now, I'm eating your boyfriend. See? At least I'm consistent.

Jennifer Check:
I am scrumptious!

Needy Lesnicky:
[closing line] And sometimes, you might just get lucky in your miserable life.

Nutritionist:
Just one Toastem, huh?


Needy Lesnicky:
I like Toastems.


Nutritionist:
That's good. But I'm not sure a Toastem can provide you with sufficient energy for your day. I'd recommend more complex carbohydrates...

[Needy kicks the Nutritionist so hard, it sends her flying across several tables before hitting the floor]


Needy Lesnicky:
I recommend that you shut the fuck up!

[spits on her as the Nutritionist spits a bloody tooth onto the floor]

Jennifer Check:
[Grabs Needy's breasts] These are like smart bombs, you point them in the right direction and shit gets real.

Jennifer Check:
I think the singer wants me.


Needy Lesnicky:
Only because he thinks you're a virgin. I heard them talking.


Jennifer Check:
Yeah, right. I'm not even a backdoor-virgin anymore, thanks to Roman. By the way, that *hurts*. I couldn't even go to flags the next day. I had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas.

Jennifer Check:
I just got Aquamarine on DVD. It's about a girl who's, like, half sushi. She must've had sex with a blowhole or something.

Jennifer Check:
[Having been stabbed in the stomach and bleeding profusely] Got a tampon?

Needy Lesnicky:
[after Colin asks Jennifer out] Colin's really nice.


Jennifer Check:
He listens to maggot rock. He wears nail polish. My dick is bigger than his.

Nikolai Wolf:
Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? There are so many of us, and we're all so cute and it's like if you don't get on Letterman or some retarded soundtrack, you're screwed, okay? Satan is our only hope. We're working with the beast now. And we've got to make a really big impression on him. And to do that, we're going to have to butcher you. And bleed you. And then Dirk here is gonna wear your face.

[Dirk gives him a look]


Nikolai Wolf:
Relax, I'm kidding about the face thing. The rest is gonna happen.

Needy Lesnicky:
Hell is a teenage girl.

Jennifer Check:
Hey, Monistat.


Needy Lesnicky:
What's up, Vagisil?

Jennifer Check:
You're lime green jello and you can't even admit it to yourself

Needy Lesnicky:
[V.O] The whole country got a huge tragedy boner for Devil's Kettle.

Jennifer Check:
My tit.


Needy Lesnicky:
No, your heart.

Needy Lesnicky:
Why do you need him? Huh? you can have anybody that you want Jennifer. So why chip? is it just to tick me off? or is it just because you're just really insecure?


Jennifer Check:
I am not insecure Needy. God thats a joke, how could I ever be insecure. I was the snowflake queen.


Needy Lesnicky:
Yeah two years ago when you were socially relevant.


Jennifer Check:
I am still socially relevant.


Needy Lesnicky:
And when you didnt need laxatives to stay skinny.


Jennifer Check:
I am going... to eat your soul... and shit it out Lesnicky!

Needy Lesnicky:
Are you PMS'ing or something?


Jennifer Check:
PMS isn't real Needy, it was invented by the boy-run media to make us seem like we're crazy.

Jennifer Check:
[to Needy] Do you buy all your murder weapons at Home Depot? God, your butch!

Jennifer Check:
Where-where are we going?


Nikolai Wolf:
You don't have to talk if you don't want to.

Needy Lesnicky:
How are you going to get alcohol?


Jennifer Check:
I'll just play Hello Titty with the bartender.

Jennifer Check:
You're such a player-hater.


Needy Lesnicky:
And you're a jerk.


Jennifer Check:
Nice insult, Hannah Montana. You got any more harsh digs?

Chastity:
You're totally lesbi-gay.

Chastity:
It's true. It's on the Wikipedia.

Jennifer Check:
You give me such a wetty.

Needy Lesnicky:
Hey, that's the band.


Jennifer Check:
Mmm. You can totally tell they're from the city.


Roman Duda:
Yeah, 'cause they're wearing eyeliner. They look like a bunch of faygos.


Jennifer Check:
Well, you wouldn't think that, Roman, because you're a small-time Gomer. I wish we had more guys like that in Devil's Kettle. All stylish and shit.

Needy's Mom:
[to Needy] I dreamed some bad people were trying to nail you to a tree with hammers and big stakes and shit. Just like J.C. But I didn't let 'em get to you, 'cause I'm a hard-assed, Ford-tough mama bear.

[last lines]


Passing Motorist:
So, why are you headed east?


Needy Lesnicky:
I'm following this rock band.


Passing Motorist:
Must be one hell of a group.


Needy Lesnicky:
Tonight's gonna be their last show.

Colin Gray:
They're showing Rocky Horror at the Bijou next Friday night...


Jennifer Check:
...I don't like boxing movies...

Needy Lesnicky:
[V.O] Hell is a teenage girl.

Nikolai Wolf:
Good evening, Devil's Lake!


Man at Melody Lane:
Devil's Kettle!


Nikolai Wolf:
Fuckin' A, right it is!

Chip Dove:
[while having sex with Needy, she's wimpering, and freaking out] Am I hurting you?

[a beat. Chip gets a coy look]


Chip Dove:
Am I too big?

Needy Lesnicky:
[V.O. About her 'fan mail'] I'm kinda the shit.

Jennifer Check:
Boo! Cross out Needy!

[Makes a cross in front of Needy with her hands]

Chip Dove:
[Needy is changing] Those jeans are hella low. I can almost see your front butt.


Needy Lesnicky:
It's a rock show. This is my rock look.


Chip Dove:
Well, I can see, like, your womb, so...

Chip Dove:
Stop kidnapping my girlfriend!

Nikolai Wolf:
Listen, it's uh, really dangerous out here. Do you wanna head someplace safer, like my van?


Needy Lesnicky:
What?


Nikolai Wolf:
I'm in survival mode right now, and I want us to get to a familiar place, and right now, I feel like that's my van.

Chip Dove:
Did you get the make and model?


Needy Lesnicky:
I don't know, Chip! An '89 rapist?

Chip Dove:
Who cares about Jennifer, and those douche-bags with their douche-bag haircuts and their man-scara? People just burned to death!

Chip Dove:
I think you might want to talk to the school shrink. I mean, I'm not saying that to be a dill-hole, but...


Needy Lesnicky:
Chip, I don't tell whoppers, and I'm not crazy.

Camille:
[Chip told her to knock it off] You knock it off, Chip! You're penis cheese!

Jennifer Check:
I am a god!


Needy Lesnicky:
Okay.

Needy Lesnicky:
It's 'freak-tarded'.

Jennifer Check:
[Colin got cut by a pair of garden hedges] Oh! A puncture wound. God, that's *so* emo...

Jennifer Check:
[Pulls down Colin's pants] Nice hardware, Ace.

Needy Lesnicky:
I'm gonna call the cops.


Jennifer Check:
Uh, Ok, why don't you narc me out? I've got the cops in my back pocket, Needy. I'm fucking a Cadet, remember?

Jennifer Check:
[Trying to let the guys from Low Shoulder let her go] Yes. Yes, I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin. I've never even done sex. I don't even know how. So, you guys should find somebody. Who does. Know how.

Dirk:
Dude, that is a *hot* murder weapon.


Nikolai Wolf:
It's a Bowie knife.


Dirk:
Bowie. Nice.


Nikolai Wolf:
[about to stab Jennifer] All right. Here we go, it's gonna be gnarly!

Jennifer Check:
I mean, they did go all "Benihana" on my ass with that knife, and it should've killed me, but for some reason... it didn't.

Chip Dove:
Needy, I care about you. As a person, not just some girl I made love to for four minutes the other night, and I'm scared of what's happening to you.

Needy Lesnicky:
I've been through the Occult section of the library five times.


Chip Dove:
Our library has an Occult section?


Needy Lesnicky:
Yeah, it's um, it's really small.

Chip's Mom:
Did you hear what Colin Gray looked like when they found him?


Chip Dove:
Lasagna with teeth?


Chip's Mom:
You heard.

Chip Dove:
[about to die, apologizing to Needy] And you look really hot in that dress.

[which it obviously isn't]


Needy Lesnicky:
You're delirious.