Movie Quotes

Phil Wenneck:
Tracy, it's Phil.


Tracy Garner:
Phil, where the hell are you guys?


Phil Wenneck:
Listen, we fucked up. We lost Doug.


Tracy Garner:
What? We're getting married in *five hours*.


Phil Wenneck:
Yeah... that's not gonna happen.

Phil Wenneck:
Whose fucking baby is that?


Stu Price:
Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?


Alan Garner:
Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.

Alan Garner:
Hey Phil, look!

[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]


Alan Garner:
He's jackin' his little weenus!


Phil Wenneck:
Pull yourself together, bro!


Alan Garner:
Not at the table, Carlos!

Alan Garner:
[while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did you have to park so close?


Doug Billings:
Yeah, what's wrong?


Alan Garner:
I shouldn't be here.


Doug Billings:
Why is that, Alan?


Alan Garner:
I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.

Mr. Chow:
So long, gay boys!

Black Doug:
I always wondered why they were called roofies, 'cause you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. They should call 'em floories.


Alan Garner:
Or rapies.

Phil Wenneck:
[his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.

Alan Garner:
Tigers love pepper... they hate cinnamon.

Phil Wenneck:
Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.

Alan Garner:
It would be so cool if I could breast-feed.

Melissa:
I just wish your friends were as mature as you.


Stu Price:
They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.


Phil Wenneck:
[yelling from outside] Paging Doctor Faggot. Doctor Faggot!


Stu Price:
I should go.


Melissa:
That's a good idea, Doctor Faggot.

Alan Garner:
Hey what's that on your arm?


Stu Price:
Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.


Phil Wenneck:
Yeah, I guess I was.


Alan Garner:
Are you okay?

Phil Wenneck:
[while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Ma'am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack.

[to himself]


Phil Wenneck:
I should have been a fucking cop.

Alan Garner:
It was really nice meeting you.


Melissa:
Fuck off!


Alan Garner:
You know, I was thinking of getting my bartender's license.


Melissa:
Suck my dick!


Alan Garner:
No, thank you.

Stu Price:
[playing piano and singing passionately] What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers,

[stops suddenly]


Stu Price:
well then we're shit out of luck.

Mr. Chow:
You wanna fuck on me?

Mr. Chow:
[as he closes his car window slowly, his head trails the closing gap] Toodooloo, motherfuckers!

Phil Wenneck:
You're not really wearing that are you?


Alan Garner:
Wearing what?


Phil Wenneck:
The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you just fuckin' with me?


Alan Garner:
It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.


Phil Wenneck:
So does Joy Behar.

Alan Garner:
Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?


Lisa:
What do you mean?


Alan Garner:
I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.


Lisa:
I'm not sure.


Alan Garner:
Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.


Lisa:
Umm, there's a phone in your room...


Alan Garner:
That'll work.

Mr. Chow:
You gonna fuck on me?


Alan Garner:
Nobody's gonna fuck on you! I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! *Please*! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.

Alan Garner:
Oh, you know what? Next week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine.

Alan Garner:
Doc, none of us could remember anything from last night. Remember?

Mr. Chow:
Its funny because he's fat!

Alan Garner:
Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.

[awkward laughter]


Alan Garner:
You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!

Sid Garner:
Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.


Doug Billings:
Understood.


Sid Garner:
Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.

Stu Price:
So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?


Alan Garner:
What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.


Stu Price:
You found a baby before? Where?


Alan Garner:
Coffee Bean.

Doug Billings:
Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.


Phil Wenneck:
Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.

Stu Price:
I look like a nerdy hillbilly!

Stu Price:
Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?


Alan Garner:
Yes.

Phil Wenneck:
Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!

Alan Garner:
Hey guys, when's the next Haley's comet?


Phil Wenneck:
Who cares, man.


Alan Garner:
Do you know Stu?


Stu Price:
I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.


Alan Garner:
But it's not tonight right?


Stu Price:
No I don't think so.


Alan Garner:
But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley's comet.

Alan Garner:
Can I ask you another question?


Lisa:
Sure.


Alan Garner:
You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?


Lisa:
What do you mean?


Alan Garner:
Did, umm... did Caesar live here?


Lisa:
No.


Alan Garner:
I didn't think so.

Officer Franklin:
[to Alan] Not you, fat Jesus.

Alan Garner:
It's got, ah, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor...

Doug Billings:
Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?


Alan Garner:
Oh really?


Doug Billings:
It's not easy.


Alan Garner:
Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ri-tard.


Stu Price:
A what?


Alan Garner:
He was a ri-tard.


Doug Billings:
[pauses to figure out what Alan was saying] *RE*tard.

Stu Price:
Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!


Alan Garner:
That's highly unlikely.

Alan Garner:
Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.


Stu Price:
It's also illegal.


Alan Garner:
It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.


Phil Wenneck:
I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.


Alan Garner:
Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

Woman in Elevator:
Oh, how cute! What's his name?


Phil Wenneck:
Ben.


Alan Garner:
Carlos.

Sid Garner:
Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you.

Stu Price:
You're such a fuckin' moron!


Alan Garner:
Your language is offensive.


Stu Price:
Fuck you!

Stu Price:
That is not Doug.


Mr. Chow:
What're you talking about, Willis? That him!


Stu Price:
No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow, that's not our friend, he... it's...


Alan Garner:
The Doug we're looking for is a white.

Phil Wenneck:
Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.


Stu Price:
Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!


Phil Wenneck:
It's not our baby.


Alan Garner:
Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.

[In the wedding]


Alan Garner:
How's my hair?


Stu Price:
That's good.


Alan Garner:
It's cool like Phil's?


Stu Price:
It's classic Phil.

Phil Wenneck:
God damn it!


Alan Garner:
Gosh darn it!


Phil Wenneck:
Shit!


Alan Garner:
Shoot!

Mike Tyson:
Who does shit like that?

Stu Price:
We don't want to call attention to ourselves!


Phil Wenneck:
[while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Attention! Attention!

Black Doug:
Hey man, I can be your Doug!

Stu Price:
You are literally too stupid to insult.


Alan Garner:
Thank you.

Stu Price:
Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!

Alan Garner:
[repeatedly singing] And we're the three best friends that anyone could have!

Stu Price:
[after learning the hotel room they had reserved only had 2 beds] Phil, we're not even going to be in the room. It's one night, we can share beds. It's no big deal.


Alan Garner:
Uh, if we're sharing beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You cool with that?


Phil Wenneck:
No, I'm not cool with that.

Phil Wenneck:
Would you shut up and drive before these nerds ask me another question. Who's this?


Doug Billings:
It's Alan. Tracy's brother.


Alan Garner:
I met you like four times.


Phil Wenneck:
Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?

Alan Garner:
Doug, I want you to know I'm a steel trap. No matter what happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.


Doug Billings:
Thanks Alan, I don't really think that's necessary but...


Alan Garner:
Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.


Doug Billings:
What?


Alan Garner:
You heard me. It's Sin City.

[adjusts jock strap]

Stu Price:
Why don't we remember a God damn thing from last night?


Phil Wenneck:
Obviously because we had a great fucking time.

Stu Price:
That's my grandma's ring. She made it all the way through the holocaust with that thing. It's legit.

Alan Garner:
Hey, you guys ready to let the dogs out?

Alan Garner:
Ha ha! Drivin' drunk. Classic.

Stu Price:
We're in a stolen cop car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back. What part of this is cool?


Alan Garner:
I think the cop car part's pretty cool.

Alan Garner:
There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!

[Phil walks into the bathroom, then hurries out]


Phil Wenneck:
Holy fuck, he's not kidding! There's a tiger in there!

Old Timer at Gas Station:
[commenting on the Mercedes as Alan is pumping the gas] This is one sweet ride.


Alan Garner:
Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Don't look at me.

[the old man walks away]


Alan Garner:
That's right. You better walk on. I'll hit an old man in public!

Stu Price:
She's got my grandmother's Holocaust ring!


Alan Garner:
I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.

Phil Wenneck:
The Best Little Chapel... do you know where that is?


Dr. Valsh:
I do, it's at the corner of get a map and fuck off. I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.

[last lines]


Doug Billings:
We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.


Stu Price:
I say we delete it right now.


Phil Wenneck:
Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?


Alan Garner:
Yeah it's in there!


Doug Billings:
Guys, one time. Deal?


Phil Wenneck:
Deal!


Stu Price:
Deal.


Alan Garner:
OK.

[the four of them look into the camera]


Stu Price:
Oh dear Lord!


Alan Garner:
That's classic!

Mike Tyson:
By the way man, where you get that cop car from?


Stu Price:
We uh, stole it from these dumbass cops.


Mike Tyson:
*Nice*!

[laughing]


Mike Tyson:
*Nice*! High five there!... That's nice!

Stu Price:
[to crying baby beside him in back seat] No, don't cry, it's okay, everything's fine, don't cry...

[screaming to the other guys in the front seat]


Stu Price:
What the fuck is going on?

Eddie Palermo:
Listen to me, I'm gonna' tell you something. I know some sick people in my life, this guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life!

Alan Garner:
What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.


Phil Wenneck:
How'd he die?


Alan Garner:
World War II.


Phil Wenneck:
Died in battle?


Alan Garner:
No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.

Doug Billings:
All good with Melissa?


Stu Price:
Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.


Phil Wenneck:
Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?


Stu Price:
Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.


Phil Wenneck:
Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?


Stu Price:
Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.


Phil Wenneck:
And you believe that?


Stu Price:
Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.

Stu Price:
You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.


Alan Garner:
I think he's mean.

Mr. Chow:
Not so good now. Quid pro quo, douchebag.

Alan Garner:
You hear that? The baby's name is Tyler.


Phil Wenneck:
Yeah, I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.

Phil Wenneck:
Who was that guy? He was so mean!

Phil Wenneck:
To a night the four of us will never forget!

[first lines]


Doug Billings:
[on recording] Hey, you've reached Doug. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a name and number and I'll get back to you.

Phil Wenneck:
[drunk] Fuck this tiger!

Alan Garner:
[while getting fitted for a tux] Stop! You're getting too close to my shaft!

Stu Price:
You found the car?


Officer Franklin:
Yeah! It was parked in the middle of Las Vegas Blvd. with a note that said "Couldn't find a meter, so here's $4."

Mr. Chow:
Oh yeah? Why dont you suck on these little Chinese nuts?

[makes a masturbating hand motion]

Officer Franklin:
I see guys like you in here every fuckin' day.


Officer Garden:
Every fuckin' day!


Officer Franklin:
Yeah let's all go to Vegas and get really fucked up!


Officer Garden:
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Officer Franklin:
Let's go steal a cop car because it'd be real fuckin' funny!

Officer Foltz:
[giving kids a tour of the station] See kids, this is where we bring suspects in order to be detained. Trust me, you do not want to be sitting in these seats. We call this place "Loserville".

[shows Alan, Phil, and Stu, a fat kid comes and takes a picture of Alan with his cell phone]

Alan Garner:
He seemed like a real straight shooter.

Stu Price:
[after getting tasered] That was bullshit! I'm gonna tell everyone we stole a cop car! You cant just taser people and then think it's funny! That's... police brutality!

Mike Tyson:
[to Phil] Like you said - we tend to do dumb shit when we're fucked up.

Phil Wenneck:
[watching footage of Alan peeing in the pool] Really Alan?


Phil Wenneck:
[on video surveillance] Yeah! Fuck this tiger!


Mike Tyson:
[watching the tape, is completely stunned] Who does shit like this?


Phil Wenneck:
We tend to do dumb shit when we're fucked up.

[Alan falls from the window of the car because the door on the passenger side doesn't open]


Mr. Chow:
[laughs obnoxiously] Funny fat guy fall on face!

Phil Wenneck:
[a kid tries to ask him a question at school] It's the weekend, you don't exist to me.

Phil Wenneck:
[while waiting outside of the school] Let's leave before another one of these nerds tries to ask me another question.

Melissa:
Why did you go to Las Vegas?


Stu Price:
Because my friend is getting married and that's what guys do.


Melissa:
That's not what you do.


Stu Price:
Well why did I do it? Riddle me that! You know sometimes what I think you want me to do is what you want me to do.


Melissa:
THAT IS NOT HOW THIS WORKS!

[party suddenly turns silent]


Stu Price:
Well good! Because whatever this is, aint working for me!


Melissa:
Since when?


Stu Price:
Since you fucked that bell hop on your cruise last year. BOOM!


Alan Garner:
It was a bartender.


Stu Price:
Oh you're right! It was a bartender!


Melissa:
You're an idiot!


Stu Price:
You're a... you're a bad person all the way through to your core!

Eddie Palermo:
[to Stu] Hey listen, I know some sick people in my life, but this guy? This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I have ever met in my life!

Officer Garden:
[to Phil, Stu, and Alan, after they are taken in for stealing a police car] Think you gon' get away with it? Not up in here!


Officer Franklin:
[lividly] Not up in here!

Officer Franklin:
You're in for a real treat today - these kind gentlemen have volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used. There's two ways to do it - up close and personal

[tasers Stu]


Officer Franklin:
or from a distance. Now do I have any volunteers? How about you young lady? Come on up here.

[to Phil]


Officer Franklin:
Come on up h ere handsome.

[to Alan]


Officer Franklin:
Not you fat Jesus, slide it on back.

[to Phil]


Officer Franklin:
You, pretty boy. Now it's real simple - point, aim and shoot.


Phil Wenneck:
You don't want to do this.


Officer Franklin:
You can do this, just focus.


Phil Wenneck:
Don't listen to this man, let's think this through.


Officer Franklin:
*Finish him!*

[the girl shoots the stun gun]


Officer Franklin:
Right in the nuts, that was beautiful! We got one more charge left, anyone want to do some shooting? How about you big man, come on up here! Same instructions just point, aim, and shoot. I love this - the focus, the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're going with 50,000 volts big man, do not be afraid to ride the lightning.

[the kid tasers Alan]


Officer Franklin:
*In the face! In the face!*