Movie Quotes

Tom Ryan:
[Puts gun down the back of his pants and it goes off] Ow! My ass.

[Puts gun down the front of his pants and it goes off]


Tom Ryan:
Penis!

Saw Villain:
Tell me you didn't catch anything.


Zoltar:
No, it's cool. She said she was a virgin.


Saw Villain:
[sighs] We are so fucked.

Brenda:
This is some shit, up with which we will not put.

Brenda:
[having a nightmare] Lil' Kim- Lil' Kim got my sandwich. Look out- Russell Crowe's got a phone! R.Kelly, don't pee on me! MY LOVELY LADY LUMPS! Where are we?


Cindy Campbell:
I'm not sure, but I think were close. It's supposed to be near mile 62.


Brenda:
Is something wrong?


Cindy Campbell:
No, it's just... I met this guy, and I wonder if he's safe. Oh, you'd love him, Brenda.


Brenda:
What's his name? I might've already loved him.


Cindy Campbell:
Tom Ryan.


Brenda:
Yeah, did him. Big, fat Chinese guy?


Cindy Campbell:
No... No.


Cindy Campbell:
[relieved] But he is the kind of guy I'd like to share the rest of my life with.

Tiffany Stone:
Ooh, a nickel!

President Harris:
[farts] There goes that duck again.

Cindy Campbell:
Oh, my God!


Mr. Koji:
Don't mind her. She slip and fall.

[Unrated Version]


Tom Ryan:
I've never been a good parent. Just ask my son.


Cindy Campbell:
I did. What exactly is an "cock monger"?


Tom Ryan:
That's not important right now.

Tom Ryan:
I'm not a very good father. Just ask my son.


Cindy Campbell:
I did. What exactly is a "taint-licker"?


Tom Ryan:
That's not important right now.

Tom Ryan:
[a football just hit Cindy] Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!


Cindy Campbell:
[Raspy voice] It's okay. My throat cushioned the blow.

Oliver:
We gotta find a way to take out these tripods. I heard that the Japs took out a few of 'em over in Kikkoman.


Tom Ryan:
Kikkoman. That's- That's a soy sauce.


Oliver:
Right, yeah. Low sodium.

Brenda Meeks:
Pussy.


Cindy Campbell:
Brenda!


Brenda Meeks:
What? 50 Cent got shot nine times and he's still walking around!

Brenda Meeks:
[after greeting Cindy] Cindy! Oh, it's been so long.


Cindy Campbell:
Brenda, I thought you were dead.


Brenda Meeks:
Oh, I thought you were dead, too!

President Harris:
[to the U.N] So, an Indian, a Frenchman, and the Pope are all on a plane. The pilot says, "Hey, are any of you not circumcised?" So the Pope lifts up his robe and says, "Shut up, stupid! You don't even speak English!" The Israeli asks the Japanese guy to open his eyes, but the Japanese man says, "I'm not squinting you crazy Jew, you're the one who sold me these cheap glasses!" What's the difference between a Belgian and a lump of dog shit? The Belgian drinks wine, but the dog shit smells good.

Henry Hale:
I fear the presence of the outsiders will attract those of whom we do not speak.


Female Elder #2:
But if you talk about those of whom we do not speak, have you not spoken of that about which we do not talk.


Henry Hale:
Do not speak of that of about which we talk of not speaking... about.

President Harris:
I'm here today at the...

[looks at the U.N emblem]


President Harris:
... un.

Cindy Campbell:
That last lightning bolt smelled like...


Rachel:
...A giant turd...


Tom Ryan:
Yeah... the lightning...

Jigsaw:
[to Shaquille O'Neal and Dr. Phil] You're both here because you like playing games with people.

Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
I'm not even a psychologist. I'm an electrician.

Secret Service Agent:
Mr. President, the country is under attack by aliens.


President Harris:
I'll deal with that later. Right now I want to find out what happens to the duck.


Secret Service Agent:
More people will die!


President Harris:
The people will die regardless. But this duck still has a fighting chance.


Secret Service Agent:
Sir, I've read the book. The duck dies!

[the President spits milk all over the elementary school kids]


President Harris:
Good God! That's horrible!

Cindy Campbell:
Oh, Brenda, I know you'd love him.


Brenda Meeks:
What's his name, I may have already loved him.


Cindy Campbell:
Tom Ryan.


Brenda Meeks:
Yep, did him. Big Chinese dude, right?

Brenda Meeks:
[after sleeping with Zoltar] What? We at peace now, I was just sealing the deal.

Brenda Meeks:
[Mouthing] You and me should get it on!


Jeremiah:
Elder Hale. We should welcome the outsiders among us.


Henry Hale:
Jeremiah, ought not your tongue be held?


Jeremiah:
I am sorry, Elder Hale... but sometimes my tongue wiggles beyond my ability to control it.


Brenda Meeks:
This is a problem with which I have had much experience. Maybe I could help him in a room in which there are no others. Or you can all watch. I don't give a shit.

Jigsaw:
I call it, "the nutcracker".


Tom Ryan:
Why?

Harper:
Sir, you're naked too!


President Harris:
I am? I thought this was a wrinkly leather coat!

[points to his nipples]


President Harris:
Then these aren't buttons?


Harper:
No.


President Harris:
And I've been pulling this thing up and down as if it was a zipper!

C. J.:
We caught a lot of fish.


Mahalik:
Yeah. Black cod.

Brenda Meeks:
[Holding up Shaquille O'Neal's femur] I don't believe it! The aliens killed a dinosaur!

Tom Ryan:
Hey, you look great for being pregnant.


Marilyn:
I'm not pregnant!

Shaquille O'Neal:
Am I gonna die?


Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
Push my head in.


Shaquille O'Neal:
[pushes head in]


Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
Now release.


Shaquille O'Neal:
[releases]


Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
[head shakes up and down yes]

Oliver:
This ain't a war, anymore than a war between men and maggots. Or, dragons and wolves. Or, men riding dragons, throwing wolves at maggots.

Brenda Meeks:
Here's Detroit.

[Points to a TV showing a destroyed city]


Brenda Meeks:
Here's Detroit after the invasion.

[City is still destroyed, but now tripods are roaming around]

[first lines]


Shaquille O'Neal:
[screaming] Help! Help! Am I dead?


Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
You're not dead. You've been taken against your will.


Shaquille O'Neal:
Kobe?

Holly:
[after farting for an awkwardly long time in front of the court house people] I'm not in my house, am I?

C. J.:
[Mahalik reaches over C.J. for a bag of nuts] Hey, what you doing?


Mahalik:
Relax man. I'm just trying to grab some nuts.


Mahalik:
[reaches over Mahalik for his bag of peanuts] C.J., what are you doin'?


C. J.:
I just wanna eat some peanuts.


Mahalik:
Huh?


C. J.:
[holds up a bag of peanuts] See? Peanuts.

Cindy Campbell:
Last night I saw a face.


Tom Ryan:
Did it have a nose?


Cindy Campbell:
Well... yeah.


Tom Ryan:
That does sound like a face.

Tom Ryan:
I've never been a good parent. Just ask my son.


Cindy Campbell:
I did. What exactly is an "Ass Clown"?


Tom Ryan:
That's not important right now.

Cindy Campbell:
Okay Mrs. Norris, time to dig out that dootie bubble...

Tom Ryan:
[in the TriPod] They've taken everyone. Young and old, rich and poor, and Chingy.

President Harris:
I just don't get kids. Remind me to sign that abortion bill.

Tom Ryan:
[after finding Michael Jackson] Run away kids! Run towards the tri-pods if you have to!

Shaquille O'Neal:
[Trying to saw through his chains] AHHH! This will never work.


Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
Of course, he wants us to cut through our feet.


Shaquille O'Neal:
You go first.


Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
Bullshit!


Shaquille O'Neal:
Yeah, you're probably not man enough. I guess your momma was right.


Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
Never!

[Holds up saw]


Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
Who's the coward now, momma?

[Starts cutting through his foot]

Tom Ryan:
[singing weakly to his daughter] You want this money, then you gotta be a bad bitch...

Tom Ryan:
Ever since the divorce it's like my life has no purpose. Half the time, I walk around feeling like a zombie!


C. J.:
Yo, don't joke about zombies. That shit there - that's real.


Mahalik:
Yo, you know Nashawn, down on 120th Street?


C. J.:
Yeah.


Mahalik:
She told me that she heard a zombie going through her trash the other day. The next morning, she turned up missing.


Tom Ryan:
Uh...


C. J.:
[C.J. interrupts] What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you "turn up missing"?


Mahalik:
'Cause nobody knows where you are when they realize you ain't there!


Tom Ryan:
Guys, I'm trying to ask...


C. J.:
[C.J. interrupts again] So you telling me that you can appear and disappear at the same time.


Mahalik:
No, man. You can't appear and disappear at the same time. The bitch ain't David Copperfield!


Tom Ryan:
Uh, guys...


C. J.:
[C.J. interrupts yet again] Mmm. No, no. But you can't be gone from one place and show up somewhere else entirely. So when you turn up, you're never missing. And when you're missing, you never turn up.


Mahalik:
Unless... you a zombie.


C. J.:
Damn! Hey, that's some plausible shit right there. You should blog about that.


Mahalik:
I'm gonna put that on MySpace.


C. J.:
You do that!

Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
Your feelings? To hell with your feelings! Everybody with their feelings. I'm obese, my kids a brat, help me, help me! Just shut up!

[Crying]


Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
Why can't I fix anyone of them? I'm so dumb and worthless. Momma was right, momma was right!

Saw Villain:
Zoltar come look! This one is actually going to do it.

Tom's Neighbor #1:
Why is the sky so dark?


Tom's Neighbor #2:
Why is the wind moving toward the storm?


Tom's Neighbor #3:
[sees laundry flapping in the wind] Why doesn't anyone have dryers?

[From Trailer]


Tom Ryan:
[after hitting Cindy with a baseball] Oh, hey, I'm sorry!


Cindy Campbell:
Oh, it's okay. I've taken balls to the face before.

C. J.:
Zombies!


Mahalik:
Grandma? The zombies have got my grandma!

[Mahalik grabs his grandma and starts shaking her]


Mahalik:
Die, Grandma! Die! Die! I loved you! I loved you!

Oliver:
We'll build our own tripods. Ours will have four legs.

Cindy Campbell:
[to Tom] I was married once...


Cindy's Husband:
[Flashback] Get out the way, bitch!


Cindy Campbell:
Don't call me no bitch! You ain't shit!


Cindy's Husband:
Shut yo ass up, snow ho!

[Cindy throws glass bottle]


Cindy Campbell:
[flashback ends] Well, actually, married twice.

Marilyn:
[Tom pulls up in his car] Late again, Tom.


Tom Ryan:
Hey, Marilyn.


Marilyn:
I thought you were moving.


Tom Ryan:
Oh, it's all I could afford right now. You took everything in the divorce except my name.


Marilyn:
No, actually, the judge granted me that yesterday. You're now officially known as "Horace P. MacTitties."

Cindy Campbell:
It looks like we have a lot in...


Tom Ryan:
...common.


Cindy Campbell:
We're already finishing each other's...


Tom Ryan:
...dinner!


Cindy Campbell:
...sentences.

Saw Villain:
Let the game begin.


Cindy Campbell:
I... I don't get.


Saw Villain:
Okay... maybe this will help you "see."

[a knife comes out from the wall]


Cindy Campbell:
You want me to cut something?


Saw Villain:
That should be obvious, yes.

[she goes to cut her wrist]


Saw Villain:
No.

[she reaches out to cut Brenda's shoulder]


Saw Villain:
No! The key is behind your eye, okay?

Brenda:
Hey, Cindy! Look, I'm on TV, y'all! Check it out! I'm gonna give a shout out to all my peeps!

[Jigsaw turns round and slaps Brenda in the face]


Brenda:
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

[bashing Jigsaw's face into the camara]


Brenda:
NO ONE... BITCH SLAPS... BRENDA!


Saw Villain:
Zoltar, help!

[Zoltar comes in and hits Brenda over the head with a metal pipe]


Saw Villain:
Oh, oh! This is some bullshit!

[Brenda grabs the pipe and wacks Jigsaw with it before pushing Zoltar out of view]

Mahalik:
Hey. You cold?


C. J.:
L-Little bit.

Tom Ryan:
[his car is getting attacked by a mob] Don't worry kids. The doors are locked. There's no possible way they can

[a punch flies through the window and dazes him]


Tom Ryan:
build the robot out of chocolate. But, that's just common sense. Oh, waiter!

[a terrorist jumps out of a van during the TriPod invasion. He has several sticks of dynamite strapped to him]


Terrorist:
AHA! Death to America!

[he presses the trigger for the bomb, but it doesn't go off]


Terrorist:
Oh, shit!

[a man runs up to him and knees him in the stomach, dropping him to the floor. About a dozen more people come and beat up the terrorist]


Crowd:
Kill him! Kill him!

Henry Hale:
[after being stabbed twice] Fuckin' A...

Saw Villain:
Enjoy your purple nurple, Tom.

[Dr. Phil successfully cuts off his foot]


Shaquille O'Neal:
Oh, my God!


Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
I did it. We're saved.

[Shaq points at the sawed off foot]


Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
What's wrong?


Shaquille O'Neal:
Wrong foot.


Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
Motherfu...

[faints]

Shaquille O'Neal:
Dr. Phil? What the hell's going on?


Dr. Phillip C. McGraw:
I don't know. I was doing a show on teens with abandonment issues and suddenly, I woke up here.


Shaquille O'Neal:
Man, those kids are gonna be pissed.

Robbie:
Dad, talk to me! What's happening?


Tom Ryan:
There's no time to explain.

[a man runs past the window, screaming]


'Alien Attack!':
Alien attack!


Tom Ryan:
Well, actually, that about sums it up.

Tom Ryan:
Its Locked

[Robbie Kicks The Door Down To Get In]

Robbie:
[mouthing though window] Asshole!

Japanese Ghost Boy:
Your Japanese sucks, and it's hurting my ears.

Ezekiel:
[Giggling] Pee-pee! Pee-pee, vagina!

Henry Hale:
Martha I believe you have some tidings?


Female Elder #2:
Nathaniel Winston and Alice Smith have informed me of there intentions. He plans to have sex with her as soon as possible; she intends to put up a mild fight and then give in.

[elderly women sitting in chair nods her head in agreement]

Gloating Driver:
Ey! I got the last workin' car in New York! This is how I roll, bitches! Haha!

[Brenda throws car part at Lil' Jon's head]


Gloating Driver:
AAHH!

[gets knocked unconscious, car bumps into a trash pile and stops]


Brenda:
You're right, Cindy! That worked pretty well.