Movie Quotes

Jimmy:
So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.


Coach:
Oh, really?


Chazz:
We're gonna dance to one song, and one song only: "Lady Humps" by the Blackeyed Peas. "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I’m a get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps."


Jimmy:
[disgusted] I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don't even know what that means.


Chazz:
No one knows what it means, but it's provocative...


Jimmy:
No, it's not, it's gross...


Chazz:
...It gets the people going!

Hector:
I totally want to cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday... It's coming up...

Chazz:
No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more then I love this brush.

Chazz:
This guy could not hold my jock sweat.


Jimmy:
I could hold it all day long, try me!


Chazz:
Maybe I will.


Jimmy:
Maybe you should.


Chazz:
You challenging me, princess?


Jimmy:
I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's annual Christmas party.


Chazz:
Then bring it on!


Jimmy:
It is on!

Jimmy:
Get out of my face.


Chazz:
I'll get inside your face.

Chazz:
[while Jimmy is giving a speech] That’s retarded

Jimmy:
I see you got fat.


Chazz:
I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot.

Jimmy:
Watch my icy hot super slide.


Chazz:
Do it.

Hector:
[to Jimmy after he's told him of a loophole in the rules of competitive figure skating that will allow him to skate again] I'm still going to kill you someday.

Coach:
You're the girl.


Jimmy:
What?


Chazz:
You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.


Jimmy:
Wait, why?


Coach:
Because you whine like one!

[turns to Chazz]


Coach:
And no one can lift your fat ass, you're on a diet starting now.

Chazz:
Personal philosophy? Clothing optional.

Jimmy:
I don't share rooms.


Chazz:
I don't share SHIT...

Chazz:
Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole!

Stranz Van Waldenberg:
Remember how they used to be alive?

Chazz:
Did you carve up any ice... with your weiner?

Chazz:
I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear. It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!

Chazz:
I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women.

Chazz:
And that's why I was a sex addict because no one ever loved me, but I learned something here today, that ice it doesn't belong in here

[pointing to heart]


Chazz:
it belongs out there, out on the ice, in an ice rink. I never had a father okay, but I don't care because now I've got a brother

[grabs Jimmy]


Chazz:
, this is my brother

[grabs Katie]


Chazz:
and this is my brothers new girlfriend and she is not a whore. I'm in a lot of pain I think I'm gonna barf.


Jimmy:
Chazz, Chazz they gotta get you to a hospital.


Chazz:
What, no and miss the smell of sweet gold not on your life.

Stranz Van Waldenberg:
[when Katie is leaving] No, Katie, come back, we love you and stuff...

Chazz:
Troubled childhood? If you consider a 9 year old kid with a 35 year old girlfriend troubled.

Chazz:
[talking to the press] This is my brother. And this is my brother's new girlfriend and she is NOT a whore!

Jimmy:
I'm getting sick, you smell like aftershave and taco meat!

Hector:
I sent you a cup of my blood! Did you get my blood?

Bryce:
Are you drunk?


Chazz:
No, but this oughta do it

[smashes open a bottle of liquor and drinks]


Bryce:
I'd fire you... if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there.

[pause]


Bryce:
You smell like urine.


Chazz:
A lot?

Chazz:
[to Jimmy's voice mail] If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me...

Chazz:
I think I see the Virgin Mary!


Jimmy:
No, that's not her.

Chazz:
Mind-bottling, isn't it?


Jimmy:
Did you just say mind-bottling?


Chazz:
Yeah, mind-bottling. You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?

Chazz:
Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cause you've officially given me a boner!

Chazz:
Ahh, my nutsack!

Chazz:
Don't make me kill her!

Stranz Van Waldenberg:
Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark, we let down the Funky Bunch.

[In front of enormous "Capture The Dream" sign]


Chazz:
Let's capture the dream.


Jimmy:
Capture the-wow I love it. Where'd you come up with that?


Chazz:
I have no idea where I came up with that.


Jimmy:
Cool.


Chazz:
Let's kick some ice.

Chazz:
She's as cold as the ice she skates on. She's like dry ice. No, wait! She's colder than that. What's colder than dry ice?


Jimmy:
I don't know


Chazz:
I'll tell you what is, Oksana.

Chazz:
We love you Denver! City by the Bay!

Chazz:
[shoots fire out of his fingers at end of performance]


Jimmy:
Was the fire really necessary?


Chazz:
Ask THEM.

Chazz:
Better step aside homeschool, there's a new Sheriff in town.

Chazz:
[Referring to his program] I hope you’ve brought your silver polish, MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.


Jimmy:
That was disgusting.


Chazz:
THAT, young man, is how babies are made.

Stranz Van Waldenberg:
Who's gonna save you now, Chazz? Is Little Lord MacLeroy gonna come and meet ya down here?

[Chazz flips him the bird]

Chazz:
I permanently call shotgun.


Jimmy:
You do not get shotgun every time!

Stranz Van Waldenberg:
[referring to Jimmy and Chazz] Those two are nothing but a couple of freaks.

Katie Van Waldenberg:
Great! That'll give me time to get my jugs waxed.

[Chazz and Jimmy have just seen the decapitation caused by the Iron Lotus on video]


Coach:
[confidently] Okay, so what do you say? Let's try an Iron Lotus.


Chazz:
Are you nuts?


Jimmy:
Wha...? We can't do that!


Coach:
C'mon. What are you talking about? Look, after all these years, I know what went wrong. The physics were off; it was a man and a woman. That's why it didn't work. You're two men... you should be fine.

[Chazz and Jimmy have tied for the Gold Medal in Men's Singles]


Darren MacElroy:
You're fired.


Coach:
What? I got him a Gold Medal.


Darren MacElroy:
No, you got him half a Gold Medal. If I wanted him to share, I would have gotten him a brother.

Coach:
You getting a lot of satisfaction from those 15 dollar hookers?


Chazz:
I am NEVER satisfied! It's a curse.

Fairchild Van Waldenberg:
Nothing breaks up a team faster than...


Stranz Van Waldenberg:
Herpes! Uh... jealousy.

Jimmy:
You ruined my dreams!


Chazz:
Dreams? Shit, I haven't had one of those in years.


Jimmy:
Zip it Chazz, just zip it, or I'll punch you in your crap-lousy face!


Chazz:
Hey, this ends tonight!


Jimmy:
It's daytime, you douche!

Random Guy:
You mean, that blonde chick's a dude?

Hector:
It's embarrassing stalking a has-been.

Chazz:
I don't want to close my eyes, don't want to fall asleep cause I miss you Jimmy, and I don't wanna miss a thing.

Co-Anchor:
Jimmy may be renowned for his personal hygiene, Scott, but after that performance, he's starting to reek... Of gold.

Darren MacElroy:
[referring to the fans] They may look cute and innocent, but they're nothing but a beehive for germs and bacteria.

Chazz:
Hey, MacElroy, was that your routine or a performance of Cirque de So Lame? Besides, you're too late; they already handed out the girls' medals this morning.


Jimmy:
Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.


Chazz:
I was on quaaludes, I don't even REMEMBER Oslo.

Co-Anchor:
[Describing Chazz] Chazz Michael Michaels: an ice-devouring sex tornado.

Co-Anchor:
[about Chazz] The only skater to win four national championships and an adult film award.

Chazz:
[referring to his program] Eat THAT, MacElroy.


Jimmy:
Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. We're tied!


Chazz:
You're tied.

Sports Anchor:
[Referring to their medals] And how heavy is that gold around your necks?


Fairchild Van Waldenberg:
Scott, this may be solid gold, but to us it's lighter than air, because dreams never weigh you down.


Stranz Van Waldenberg:
No. Dreams are in your sleep.

Chazz:
[backstage at "Grublets On Ice"] I hate my life.

Chazz:
You're living in the past, Sammi. Me and the Woodland Fairies, we're living in the HERE and NOW.

Chazz:
[drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"] Hey! Hey, you little forest creatures! None of you sons of bitches try to be heroes!


Chazz:
[drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"] I just threw up in here, people. That's the reality. Just another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion! In fact, we all a... Ugh, encore!

[begins throwing up again]

Chazz:
[the crowd is booing and throwing garbage onto the ice] Oh, bring it on! Let it rain down on me!

Coach:
Figure skating? Give it up, Jimmy! It's like a cruel bitch mother!

Chazz:
Two men skating? That's a riot. A laugh riot.


Coach:
I don't see what's so funny.


Chazz:
If you were as drunk as me, you would.

Chazz:
What're you, the rug doctor?


Jimmy:
Maybe I am.


Chazz:
Well, I'm the rug MASTER.


Jimmy:
What does that even mean?

Jimmy:
[Jimmy walks in on Chazz and Katie getting intimate] Y-y-y-you sex demon! You sex fiend!


Chazz:
This isn't what it looks like.

[Grabs Katie's breast]


Jimmy:
Impure! Impure!

[Runs out of the room]


Katie Van Waldenberg:
Jimmy, wait!


Chazz:
Brother man!

Stranz Van Waldenberg:
[realizing he's about to lose the gold medal to Chazz and Jimmy] It's over. All the endorsements, everything gone. Oh my God, I can't get a real job; it'll kill me!

Chazz:
[a the Figure Skating Association hearing] Maxim Magazine, last issue: "Chazz Michael Michaels IS figure skating!" BOOM!

[first lines]


Darren MacElroy:
[watching a young Jimmy skate at an orphanage] I'll take him.

Chazz:
Help yourself to the Mane n' Tail all you want, but don't even look at the Verticoli...

Chazz:
You know what dude, your hand has to be on top.


Jimmy:
No way, the girl's goes on top.


Chazz:
Yeah, ergo, chick.


Jimmy:
I'm not the girl, I'm stronger!


Chazz:
No, I'M stronger, and don't have a vagina.

Co-Anchor:
These two put the "bone" in Zamboni.

Chazz:
[while attempting the Iron Lotus] I swear to God, if you cut my head off...

Chazz:
The night is a very dark time for me.


Jimmy:
It's dark for everyone, moron!


Chazz:
Not for Alaskans or dudes with night-vision goggles.

Hector:
He likes food and dreams and whispers... his favorite movie is Short Circuit... and Fried Green Tomatoes.

Hector:
I wanna wear the gold medal... naked.

Coach:
What do you guys have that all other teams don't have?


Chazz:
Twin dongs?

Darren MacElroy:
I'm un-adopting you.


Jimmy:
What?


Darren MacElroy:
Well, legally I'm disowning you.

Jimmy:
Hi, you've reached Jimmy, if you can dream it, you can do it!

Jimmy:
I call top.


Chazz:
Sorry, I already called it in my head...


Jimmy:
No, you can't do that, that doesn't count.


Chazz:
Yes it does.

Chazz:
It makes my hair shine like Orion's Belt out on the ice.

Chazz:
Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy *are* figure skating.

[shouts and raises left arm]


Chazz:
Boom!

Chazz:
I am never satisfied! It's a curse...

Chazz:
But I remember Boston, and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named.

Jimmy:
They're laughing at us.


Chazz:
Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.

Darren MacElroy:
Banned for life. That's a long time.

Chazz:
I see you have learned to work the Google on the internet machine.

Chazz:
Get that damn bird out of my face before I break its neck.

Jimmy:
[fighting with Chazz] You're so fat!

Chazz:
Throw me some chicken.

Fairchild Van Waldenberg:
No, say you want a snowbone!

Jimmy:
[to Katie] I like your... buttons.

Jimmy:
When I was eight, my dad had me get a circumcision to minimalize air resistance.

[Jimmy and Katie have just kissed]


Katie Van Waldenberg:
You've been practicing.


Jimmy:
Chazz taught me some stuff.

Hector:
Look, I almost gave up on you. I started working with that Ukrainian skater, you know, the one who looks like Elvis? And I moved to the Ukraine, and it was cold and everyone had guns and smelled like soup.

Jimmy:
This ice has not been properly Zamboned! Where's the warm-down room?


Coach:
We don't have any of that. What we've got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.


Chazz:
Nice choice, Coach.


Coach:
Turned out well.

[last lines]


Chazz:
Let's get outta here.


Jimmy:
Now?


Chazz:
Yeah.

Jimmy:
I just put them in order.

[Darren is 'unadopting' Jimmy]


Jimmy:
I've been your son for 26 years.


Darren MacElroy:
22, so no one can say I didn't try.

Random Guy:
[holding a hot dog bun with two hot dogs in it] Let me ask you something. Does that look right to you?

Chazz:
We're going to Montreal bitch!

Chazz:
You're welcome Stockholm!

Chazz:
[while performing in Grublets on Ice] Hey everybody, this is Gary the squirrel! You know me and Gary have been skating for two and a half years now. i remember when we were hanging out near a bus stop in Tucson, He said "Hey, I've got a third ball"

[Chazz pukes in his wizard mask]


Chazz:
I just puked in here people!

Chazz:
Thank you Denver, The City by the Bay John Denver.

Jimmy:
Who's that?


Chazz:
You mean Katie van Waldenberg?


Jimmy:
She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister?


Chazz:
Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.

Katie Van Waldenberg:
No, I'm not spying for you again.


Stranz Van Waldenberg:
We're just asking you to discreetly tape their practice routines.

Chazz:
You know this is how I rolled when you met me.


Sam:
No, when I met you, you were a great figure skater. Now you're just getting stoned with the Woodland Fairies.

Fairchild Van Waldenberg:
Two men skating together? And in our division, no less! Why, Stranz? Why is God singling us out to the greatest suffering the world has ever known?


Stranz Van Waldenberg:
I don't know, sis; those two are just a couple of freaks.


Fairchild Van Waldenberg:
Yeah, and the media loves freaks.

Stranz Van Waldenberg:
It makes my blood boil.


Fairchild Van Waldenberg:
You know I'm not a violent person. But I would like to hold them down and skate over their throats.