TV Series Quotes

[Larry has rented Balki a tuxedo]


Balki Bartokomous:
Yours?


Larry Appleton:
Yes.


Balki Bartokomous:
Yours... looks... just like mine.


Larry Appleton:
Yes.


Balki Bartokomous:
But if we dress alike, how will people tell us apart?


Larry Appleton:
Dental records.

Larry Appleton:
Was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?


Balki Bartokomous:
Are you asking did - did I see *steam* rising from his head or did I see *you* rising from his head?


Larry Appleton:
I'm asking, was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?


Balki Bartokomous:
Okay... Okay, are you asking was it *me* who saw steam rising from his head or was it *you* who saw steam rising from his head?


Larry Appleton:
I'm asking, was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?


Balki Bartokomous:
[pause] Yes. Now, I have one for you - Was it me... or was that Miss Lydia's beauty mark sliding down her cheek?


Larry Appleton:
It was you. It was definitely you sliding down her cheek.

Balki Bartokomous:
Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!

Larry Appleton:
I have...


Balki Bartokomous:
Oh, God.


Larry Appleton:
...a plan.

Larry Appleton:
Oh, my lord...


Mr. Wainwright:
Appleton, you idiot!


Larry Appleton:
I just shot my boss in the butt.

[Larry is hanging from a hook on the wall]


Balki Bartokomous:
Cousin, do it for me, please?


Larry Appleton:
No, no...


Balki Bartokomous:
Oh, please. Please, Mr. Scarecrow, which way is it to the Emerald City?


Larry Appleton:
Some people go that way, and some people go that way...


Balki Bartokomous:
But, of course, people do go both ways.

Balki Bartokomous:
You may call it intuition, you may call it common sense, you may call the wind Mariah...

Mr. Gorpley:
And then there was the Christmas where my house burned down and I had to go to the hospital. No, that was a good Christmas. I got to sleep in a real bed!

[Larry is installing a shower head]


Balki Bartokomous:
Where are the instructions?


Larry Appleton:
I threw them out.


Balki Bartokomous:
You threw them out?


Larry Appleton:
Appletons have never used instructions. My dad completely rewired the house in Denver without instructions.


Balki Bartokomous:
Isn't that the house that burned to the ground?

[Larry pauses for a second]


Larry Appleton:
[sheepishly] They never proved it was the wiring.

Balki Bartokomous:
You said that you would not go overboard, and now look at you. You're scraping barnacles off the Titanic.

[repeated line]


Balki Bartokomous:
Well, of course not, don't be ridi-cool-us.

Larry Appleton:
Our goal for this evening is to acheive physical contact. Now how do we acheive physical contact?


Balki Bartokomous:
Begging?


Larry Appleton:
Dancing.

Balki Bartokomous:
Momma told me never to do the dance of joy alone, or I would go blind.

Balki Bartokomous:
Your ship has finally hit the fan!

Larry Appleton:
Take three steps east, please be meticulous.


Balki Bartokomous:
Well of course we will, don't be ridiculous.

[after Larry confesses a lie to Jennifer, and mentions several other unrelated lies at the same time]


Balki Bartokomous:
Boy, when you come clean you leave a ring around the tub!

Larry Appleton:
I didn't lie. At most, I massaged the truth a little.


Balki Bartokomous:
Massaged? You gave it a full body scrub and a mud bath!

[after Larry tells them they need to bake 2,000 "Bibby Bobkas" to sell to a restaurant]


Jennifer Lyons Appleton:
Larry, it took us all morning to bake three dozen. Do you know how many dozen 2,000 are?

[Larry stops to try to calculate it in his head]


Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous:
[without stopping to calculate it] 166 and 2/3 dozen.

[everyone looks at her in confused amazement]


Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous:
[as if it explained everything perfectly] My father was a carpenter.

Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous:
You know, having a ghost would explain so many things! Like how when you open the refrigerator, the light goes on!


Jennifer Lyons Appleton:
No Maryanne, the light goes on because...

[pauses for a moment, then decides to give up]


Jennifer Lyons Appleton:
Yes, Maryanne. Having a ghost would explain that.

Balki Bartokomous:
[trying to think of the most offensive thing he can] I hope you fall on your face with your hands in your pockets!

[Twinkacetti is staying with the guys after his wife threw him out]


Donnie Twinkacetti:
Hey, Appleton, I read your diary. You're a sick man.

Balki Bartokomous:
Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky!

Balki Bartokomous:
Hi, cousin! I just baked a big batch of bing bong binki binki bakalava.


Larry Appleton:
...Bing bong binki binki bakalava?


Balki Bartokomous:
Bingo! Want a big bite, booby?


Larry Appleton:
Better not, buddy.


Balki Bartokomous:
...bummer.


Larry Appleton:
Bitter, Balki?


Balki Bartokomous:
You bet your Bibby Babkas I'm bitter, baby! I busted my butt baking these itty bitty binkis, and believe me, I banked on a bit of basic brotherly bolstering!


Larry Appleton:
Balki, buddy, baby!

Balki Bartokomous:
I wash my face of the whole business!

[after Larry and Balki lock themselves in a phone booth to call 911, a thug smashes the glass to the booth with his bare fist, then rips the handset of the phone, so they can't get help]


Balki Bartokomous:
...well, now you've done it! You're going to have to answer to the

[shouts]


Balki Bartokomous:
phone company!

Balki Bartokomous:
Where do I come up with them?