TV Series Quotes

[Tess ate some bad food at a diner]


Tess Farraday:
I'm not putting anything in my mouth for a week!


Ian Stark:
Have a nice night, Henry.

Henry:
(extremely nervous) Sometimes a friend is... is, called upon, to... uh... forgive the other, because... because, because because because...


Ian Stark:
Because of the wonderful things he does?

Henry:
Tess has felt threatened ever since she found an old photo of Susan sunbathing in Greece, all topless and tan and glistening and... topless.


Ian Stark:
Tess was snooping through your stuff, huh?


Henry:
No, actually it was my screensaver.

Tess Farraday:
Carol says that every guy has a girl that he calls when he gets drunk. She's yours, isn't she?


Henry:
No! You're my drunken call girl!

Henry:
I'm trying to be less phobic and I'm afraid it's not going well.

Henry:
Yeah, there is no

[such word as]


Henry:
"dribbed." There's the noun "drib," which means a negligible amount.


Ian Stark:
Oh, I see. So I'm getting a drib of help from you right now.

Ian Stark:
I just feel that names that end with "y" are weak, Henry.

Ian Stark:
Good God, Henry! If you'd ever been in the army, your own men woulda held you down and dry-shaved you!

Ian Stark:
I thought we ordered chicken wings.


Margaret 'Maddie' Keller:
Wings are for when you're drunk. Soup is for when you're sick.


Jake Donovan:
That's what my mom used to say. Boy, she loved her wings!

Margaret 'Maddie' Keller:
Didn't your mother ever comfort you when you were sick?


Henry:
Yeah, of course. She was very loving. She used to sing to me over the intercom.

Henry:
I'm going to go and read these pages in a more hygienic setting... like the bathroom of a Greyhound Bus.

Audrey:
While other publishers are lunching with Mailer and Updike, I'll be debating whether a toaster would actually say, "I've got bread in my head."

Henry:
Audrey, could I come along to lunch? I would love to meet the man who wrote "Ants in France Wear Pants When They Dance."


Audrey:
Good, because I'd love to drink and drink 'til I can't think.

Phyllis:
So how about that check?


Audrey:
Yes, why cloud the moment with warmth and civility?

Tess Farraday:
Jennifer's boyfriend used to say "Robert" in his sleep... and now he sleeps with Robert!

Henry:
Why would he go all the way back to the warehouse?


Ian Stark:
Because he wants to get caught. That's what killers do. You know that - you're a killer.

Audrey:
I'm never gonna get that advance check back!


Henry:
Audrey, this really isn't the day to be thinking about money.


Audrey:
Tell that to the widow Huggles - she cashed the damn thing this morning.


Henry:
The day of her husband's funeral?


Audrey:
You should have seen that line of cars with their lights on outside the bank!

Henry:
Hey, I've been tryin' to call you all afternoon. What's wrong with your phone?


Ian Stark:
It keeps ringing.


Henry:
It stops ringing when you answer it.


Ian Stark:
Also when you smash it with a hammer.

Cesar:
I hope everybody likes hot cheese!


Henry:
Wow, it's flaming.


Ian Stark:
Yeah, and the cheese is on fire.

Henry:
I am going to be blacklisted thanks to you and your fish shenanigans.


Ian Stark:
Shenanigans? Well, just come out and say it, Henry. You think I'm a hooligan, don't ya? Up to some tomfoolery.

Margaret 'Maddie' Keller:
Hey, if we don't get this fish back to the tank in another couple of minutes, we might as well just get it to a cracker.

Ian Stark:
Where have you been? I just pretended to choke on an oyster for you, then Audrey ran over and gave me a Heimlich Maneuver - from the front!

Margaret 'Maddie' Keller:
Of all the times I've slinked out of a man's apartment in my underwear, this is the one I'm most ashamed of.

Ian Stark:
She was just lashing out at you for sleeping with Maddie, which she doesn't know you didn't really do. Wait... Yeah, that's right.

Ian Stark:
I'm sorry, Rod, but the position's filled as long as Henry's around.


Henry:
Oh, great! Why don't you just tell him I bleed liquid gold?

Ian Stark:
Ya know, James Joyce was weird. Van Gogh was weird - Stravinsky was weird. You know, talent doesn't always come wrapped up in a nice, new, shiny, little box, Henry. Sometimes it's messy and organic and raw and you might just have to look a little deeper to find it.


Henry:
And sometimes when it's messy and organic and raw, it's garbage!

Henry:
It doesn't have to be a pick-up thing. You just go up to her and say, "Hi, my name is Ian. I'm a best-selling author...￿


Ian Stark:
"I'm so lonely and desperate that I talk to strangers in restaurants. Hopefully your life is bad enough to welcome this kind of weirdness, so how 'bout we get together and disappoint each other?"

Margaret 'Maddie' Keller:
Ian's gonna hypnotize me.


Jake Donovan:
Yeah, to do what? Quit smokin'? Lose weight? Stop sleeping with losers?


Margaret 'Maddie' Keller:
I don't smoke, I'm not fat and I don't... Can you help me out with that too?

Ian Stark:
Hey, you're back! How was your sister's?


Margaret 'Maddie' Keller:
Oh, it was great! Her kids are so adorable! I learned everything there is to know about Pok￿n, and then on the bus ride home, I locked myself in the bathroom and tied my own tubes.

Ian Stark:
How about this one? I don't have that goofy smile on my face.


Jake Donovan:
I dunno. It looks a little scary for the back cover.


Ian Stark:
It's a scary story!


Jake Donovan:
Yeah, but you still want a photo which says 'buy this book'. This photo says 'buy this book or I'll kill the president'.