TV Series Quotes

Phoebe:
Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant and he hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.

Ross:
I would date her but there is a big age difference.


Joey:
Well think about it when you're 90...


Ross:
I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.


Joey:
No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

Phoebe:
[Right after playing a song in the coffee shop ] If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.

Ross:
[receiving his Christmas gift] You got me a cola drink.


Chandler:
And a LEMON LIME.


Ross:
You shouldn't have. I feel like I should get you another sweater.


Joey:
And last but not least.

[Monica receives her gift]


Joey:
They're RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE.

Chandler:
All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.

[pounding a scone]


Ross:
Stupid British snack food.


Chandler:
Did they teach you that in your anger management class?

[In response to a stupid comment]


Chandler:
You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.

Rachel:
Hey, just so you know: it's *not* that common, it *doesn't* "happen to every guy, " and it *is* a big deal!


Chandler:
[pointing] I *knew* it!

Rachel:
So are things between you and Joey getting any better?


Chandler:
It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me.


Rachel:
Oh, wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh?


Ross:
Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?


Rachel:
You shouldn't.

Judy Geller:
Well, he better not come by here. He can't see the bride in the wedding dress.


Nora Bing:
As I recall, when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.


Charles Bing:
But that was after the wedding. It's not bad luck then.


Nora Bing:
Honey, it isn't good luck.

Rachel:
Wha... married?


Ross:
Well, yeah, I think we should get married!


Rachel:
What? Because that's your answer to everything?

Ross:
Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.


Rachel:
Okay, no uterus, no opinion.

Ross:
You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half *pure evil*!

Rachel:
...How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?


Dr Long:
Three.


Ross:
Just three? I'm dilated three!

Monica:
Can you help me fold these napkins?


Phoebe:
Sure.


Monica:
I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams.

[Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins]


Monica:
No... no honey... Not like that, we're not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember?


Phoebe:
Yeah. It all came screaming back to me.

Ross:
Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and *won*!


Chandler:
Ross came fourth and cried!

Monica:
You don't like the game, because you suck at it.


Chandler:
I don't suck at it. It sucks. And you suck.

Phoebe:
[Imitating someone really annoying] "Oh, I slept with Billy Joel." Who hasn't?

Ross:
What the hell are you doing, you scared the crap out of me!

Ross:
What are you doing?


Chandler:
Making chocolate milk. You want some?


Ross:
No thanks, I'm 29.

Ross:
Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.


Chandler:
Du-ude!


Monica:
What happened in Atlantic City?


Ross:
Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...


Chandler:
Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude"?


Ross:
...and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he just goes over to her and, uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. And you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy just goes to bars and makes out with girls.


Monica:
You kissed a guy? Oh my God.


Chandler:
In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.

Janice:
[repeated line throughout the series] Oh... my... God!

Chandler:
[after a resident has come on to Monica] Is there anyone in this building who hasn't tried to hit on you?


Monica:
Well, there's Smokes-a-lot-Lady.

[thinks]


Monica:
Wait a minute, that is not true.

Joey:
[Joey, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are in Chapel in Vegas after Rachel and Ross got married] Well, what happened, did we miss it?


Chandler:
Well, we actually missed it.


Phoebe:
[with clenched teeth] Well, maybe you wouldn't have if you could run in the chapel!

Ross:
Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine.


Chandler:
Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.

Rachel:
Can you take care of Emma just for today?


Ross:
Sure, just lend me your breasts and we'll be on our way.

Monica:
Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that's ours!

Monica:
Hi.


Chandler:
You are not gonna believe what I did today.


Monica:
Well, clearly you didn't shower or shave.


Chandler:
I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule. They should change the name to Ms. Chandler.

[pause]


Chandler:
Although, I hope they don't.


Monica:
Wait a minute, you staid home all day playing Ms. Pacman, while I was at work like some kind of chump?


Chandler:
Yeah, and I got all the top ten scores and erased Phoebe off the board. High five!


Monica:
What is the matter with your hand?


Chandler:
Well, I've been playing for like eight hours. It'll loosen up, come on check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, their dirty words.


Monica:
Chandler, why would you do that?


Chandler:
Because it's awesome.


Monica:
You think this is clever?


Chandler:
Well, they only give you three letters, so after A.S.S., it is a bit of a challenge.


Monica:
Wait a minute, this one's not dirty.


Chandler:
Well, it is, when you put it together with that one.


Monica:
Oh, well, if you don't clear this off, you wont be getting those from me. Ben's coming tomorrow over to play this game, this can't be there.


Chandler:
Come on, he wont even know what they mean.


Monica:
He's seven, not stupid.


Chandler:
Have you talked to him lately?


Monica:
All right, I'm just going to unplug it...


Chandler:
No, no, no, if you'll unplug it, then there will be nothing to show from my day. It would be like I was at work!

[Monica unplugs it]


Chandler:
Look at that, look at that, it's still there, this thing must have a primitive ROM chip!


Monica:
You gotta beat your scores.


Chandler:
With the claw?


Monica:
Fine, I'll do it. We gotta get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him "Pull my finger".


Chandler:
Pull my finger... my hand is messed up!

Joey:
I hate Pottery barn too! They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed.


Chandler:
You took off your pants and cimbed under the sheets!

Phoebe:
Hey. Why isn't it Spidermen? You know, like Goldmen, Silvermen.


Chandler:
Because, it... it's not his last name.


Phoebe:
It isn't?


Chandler:
No. It's not like Phil Spidermen. He's a spider *man*. You know, like Goldmen is a last name but there's no gold man.


Phoebe:
Oh, oh okay...


Phoebe:
There should *be* a gold man!

Rachel:
[Chandler has been left pantsless and handcuffed to Rachel's boss's desk. Rachel has grudgingly agreed to release him] You promise you will never see Joanna again.


Chandler:
Never.


Rachel:
You will never set foot in this office again.


Chandler:
No.


Rachel:
You'll give me back my Walkman.


Chandler:
I prom... I never borrowed your Walkman.


Rachel:
[pause] Well, then I lost it, you buy me one!


Chandler:
You got it! Come on!


Rachel:
[unlocks cuffs. Chandler rubs wrists where cuffs were] Does it hurt?


Chandler:
No, I just see guys doing this when they get cuffs taken off.

[runs over to office door where his pants are hanging]


Chandler:
Hello, sweet pants!


Rachel:
Wait a minute! How are you going to say you got out?


Chandler:
I'll make something up. I'm good at lying. I actually did borrow your Walkman.

Ross:
We were on a break!


Chandler:
Oh, my God! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!

Chandler:
The only way I would've said six would have been if I had said, "Let's meet at seven, not at six."


Monica:
The only way I would've said seven, would have been if I had said, 'Wow, my boyfriend is such a wiseass... Seven!'

Phoebe:
Oh, my God! The foster puppets!

Ross:
[leaning over and talking to Rachel's lap] I can't wait to play with you all day, and to hear your first words.


Phoebe:
[wide eyed] Why are you letting him talk to your crotch that way?


Rachel:
He's talking to the baby.


Phoebe:
Oh, that's good. Because when I heard, "I can't wait to hear your first words" I thought, "Boy that's some trick!"

Carol:
Oh, what do you know? No-one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this

[shouts]


Carol:
pot roast through it?"

Ross:
I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her.


Chandler:
Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1800's when that phrase was last used.

Chandler:
I'm thinking of having an affair with your wife! Oh, you know what, I just did!


Joey:
Really?


Chandler:
No, freak show! She's fictional!

Ross:
Okay, there you go.


Rachel:
Sure. Sure, I'll just sit next to the... transsexual from purchasing.

Ross:
What are you doing tonight?


Chandler:
Why, do you have a lecture?


Ross:
No.


Chandler:
Free as a bird, what's up?

Kate Miller:
[they are doing a scene] I have a question about this scene.


The Director:
Yes?


Kate Miller:
Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor.

[Joey plays Victor, she plays Adrienne]


The Director:
Peel the onion. First of all, he's good-looking.


Joey:
Yeah.


Kate Miller:
I think my character's gonna need a little bit more of a reason than that.


Joey:
Oh, hey, how about this one? It says so in the script! Y'know, I don't know why my character likes you either, I mean, it says in the script here that you're a bitch.


Kate Miller:
It does not say that in the script.


Joey:
It does in mine!

Rachel:
Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I'm just doing it to get back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to you.


Mark:
Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here!

Joey:
Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!


Chandler:
Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.


Joey:
God, I just, I hate her! I hate her! With her, "Oh, I'm so talented." and "Oh, I'm so pretty," and "Ooh, I smell so good."


Chandler:
I think somebody has a crush on somebody.


Joey:
Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here? Y'know?


Chandler:
I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.

Monica:
What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.


Joey:
Yeah, right!... Y'serious?


Phoebe:
Oh, yeah!


Rachel:
Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.


Monica:
Absolutely.


Chandler:
Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.


Ross:
Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.


Chandler:
The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.

Rachel:
Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.


Joey:
[pause] ... Are we still talking about sex?

Ross:
Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.


Susan:
Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it.

Jack Geller:
I remember when we first got engaged.


Chandler:
Oh, I don't think I ever heard that story.


Monica:
Oh dad, really you don't need to...


Jack Geller:
[ignoring her] Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know that happened.


Judy Geller:
[incredulous] You don't know how that happened? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.

Joey Tribbiani:
[after smelling potpourri] Well, this is like summer in a bowl!

Phoebe:
[Monica stares dreamily as Richard leaves the room] Oooh, I think my boyfriend's ever so dreamy. I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.

[in Barbados, Rachel runs into Monica and Chandler's room in the morning and opens the curtains, it has been raining a lot]


Monica:
The sun is out!


Chandler:
[squinting in pain] Hey, remember when I had corneas?

Joey Tribbiani:
[upon hearing Ross doesn't want to go to the movies with him] Come on, man! Tom Hanks! Meg Ryan! They get mail!

Monica:
Rach, it's the Visa card people.


Rachel:
Oh, God, ask them what they want.


Monica:
[on the phone] Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? Yes, hold on.

[to Rachel]


Monica:
Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.


Rachel:
But I haven't used my card in weeks.


Monica:
That is the unusual activity.

Chandler:
I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.

Reporter:
I like that. what's your name?

[pointing tape recorder at Pheobe]


Phoebe:
Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in... Ello there mate.

[after observing a short fight between Rachel and Ross]


Phoebe:
That's it? "We were on a break." "No we weren't." What happened to you two?

[repeated line]


Ross:
We were on a break!

Rachel:
You know, Ben, I was your daddy's girlfriend.


Ben:
But you're not anymore. Because you were on a break.

Ross:
[holding a bottle of champagne] Gunther, six glasses!


Gunther:
[hopeful] Six? You want me to join you?


Ross:
Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five will be fine.

[Gunther walks away disappointed]


Ross:
Boy I'm gonna get spit in my coffee, now.

Monica:
Chandler, it's okay. You don't have to be so macho all the time.


Chandler:
I'm not macho.


Monica:
You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.

Chandler:
The Bings have horrible marriages. They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games.


Ross:
Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?


Chandler:
No.


Ross:
Then you are neither of your parents.

Ross:
My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.


Monica:
Wow. That's great. Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play.


Ross:
Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.


Chandler:
Well, did-did you correct him?


Ross:
No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.

Monica:
You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired." Ha.

Monica:
My motto is get out before they go down.


Joey:
That is so not my motto.

Julie:
[Monica has told everyone about Chandler's third nipple] You know, Chandler, in some cultures a third nipple is considered a mark of virility. The most desirable women dance naked around you so you can make your pick.


Chandler:
Ah, would any of these cultures be in the tri-state area?


Julie:
Sorry.

Joey:
[during Ross's speech, Joey laughs every time he hears 'homo erectus'] Ha, Ha, he said 'erectus'.

[notices Rachel is also laughing]


Joey:
Erectus?


Rachel:
[stifling laugh] No, 'homo'.

Mike Hanigan:
You're not gonna try and make me join a cult are you?


Ross:
No...


Mike Hanigan:
Oh okay. You just have that look.


Ross:
[to himself] Damn SuperCuts!

[Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"]


Monica:
Sex!


Chandler:
Seriously. Answer faster.


Monica:
I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you.


Chandler:
It's like a big hug.


Phoebe:
Ross, how about you? Sex or food?


Ross:
Sex!


Phoebe:
What about sex or dinosaurs?


Ross:
My God, it's like Sophie's Choice.


Phoebe:
Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?


Joey:
I don't know it's too hard.


Rachel:
Come on, you have to answer.


Joey:
Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!

[Mona doesn't know that Rachel is living with Ross]


Mona:
Listen, Rachel, I appreciate your situation but this is Valentine's Day. So, if you don't mind, would you please just go back home?

[Ross enters with his gift for Mona]


Rachel:
What are you talking about? I live here.


Ross:
[nervously gives Mona her present] Happy Valentine's Day.

[Mona stares angrily at Ross]


Ross:
Or, something to remember me by...

[Monica knocks]


Chandler:
You can't come in.


Monica:
Why not?


Chandler:
Because, uh, Ross is naked.


Ross:
What?


Chandler:
Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked.


Ross:
Why does *anyone* have to be naked?

[Joey just got ordained via the internet so that he could perform Monica and Chandler's wedding]


Joey:
Hey, I started working on what I'm going to say at the ceremony. Wanna hear it?


Monica, Chandler:
Yeah.


Joey:
We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.

[Monica and Chandler look impressed]


Joey:
It is a love based of giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive.

[later]


Joey:
Okay, you guys, I've got a little more written... are you ready?


Chandler:
Yeah, yeah. Okay.


Joey:
When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I cannot help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving... and then I can't think of a good word for right here.


Monica:
How bout receiving?


Joey:
Yes!

Joey:
Anyway, I started working on what I'm gonna say at the ceremony, you wanna hear it?


Monica, Chandler:
Yeah!


Joey:
Now, listen, it's just the first draft so... ￿We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share. It is a love based on giving and receiving, as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have and receive."


Chandler:
[to Monica] Shouldn't we call the spitter?

[after catching Ross kissing Chandler's mother in front of the male bathroom]


Joey:
I'll just go pee in the street.

Eddie:
[Chandler just asked him to move out] This is kinda out of the blue, isn't it?


Chandler:
No, no, no. This isn't out of the blue. This is smack dab in the middle of the blue.

Phoebe:
No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.


Chandler:
Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.

Joey:
And you call yourself an accountant?


Chandler:
...No.

[Joey and Chandler apartment has been robbed]


Joey:
Aw, man. He took the five of spades.

[looks through deck]


Joey:
No, here it is.

Rachel:
Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie?


Ross:
Yeah, sure.


Rachel:
How about you, Phoebe?


Phoebe:
No, thanks, I've already seen one.

[Chandler's key broke in Monica's door]


Chandler:
I love you.


Monica:
I love you too.


Chandler:
Are you hugging the door right now?


Monica:
Um... no?


Chandler:
Uh... yeah, yeah, me neither.

Monica:
Oh my god. How cute is the new eye doctor?


Rachel:
So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.

[Ross is wearing a white suit]


Monica:
I like it even better on you than on Colonel Sanders.


Ross:
Look, I just came here to tell you guys something.


Rachel:
Oh. Was it how you invented the cotton gin?

Joey:
And look. A phone in the bathroom.


Monica:
Joey, don't ever call me from that phone.

Joey:
Want some jam?


Chandler:
No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard.

Monica:
I'm dating a guy whose pool I once peed in.


Richard:
I didn't need to know that.

Rachel:
You don't just flit off to Vermont as soon as you meet someone.


Monica:
You flitted off to Vail as soon as you met Barry.


Rachel:
For once, could you not just remember every little thing?

Phoebe:
We can be guys. Come on, let us be guys.


Chandler:
You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long.

[Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms]


Chandler:
Condoms?


Joey:
We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.


Chandler:
And condoms are the way to do that?

Joey:
What? You made a bet. A bet is a bet. You bet on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet.

Chandler:
You know, I'm really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.


Monica:
Me too.


Chandler:
You know, I was, uh, thinking. If you and I had a big fight and broke up for a few hours...


Monica:
Yeah?


Chandler:
Technically we could have sex again. So, what do you think... bossy and domineering?


Monica:
The wedding's off, sloppy and immature.

[they get up]


Monica:
Oh, wait. We can't, my cousin Cassie is in the guest room.


Chandler:
Well, get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.


Monica:
Shrill? The wedding's back on.

[doing a crossword puzzle]


Ross:
Heating device.


Phoebe:
Radiator.


Ross:
Five letters.


Phoebe:
Rdatr.

Chandler:
[dancing and singing] She's on the other line, gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back.


Monica:
Don't you still have to pee?


Chandler:
That's why I'm dancing.

Monica:
Whoa. Where you going in those pants? 1982?

Chandler:
Can you see my nipples through this shirt?


Rachel:
No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there.

[In response to one of Joey's stupid comments]


Chandler:
How do you not fall down more often?

Ross:
So, uh, what did the insurance company say?


Chandler:
Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here so stop calling us."

Rachel:
I've never asked a guy out before.


Phoebe:
You've never asked a guy out?


Rachel:
No. Have you?


Phoebe:
Thousands of times. That doesn't make me sound too good, does it?

Chandler:
Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.


Ross:
Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.

Phoebe:
[as Ross sits down on the sofa, Pheobe begins "cleansing his aura"]


Ross:
Oh no, no stop cleansing my aura...


Phoebe:
But...

[continues]


Ross:
No just leave my aura alone... OK?


Phoebe:
Fine... be murky...


Ross:
I'll be fine... really you guys, I hope she'll be very happy...


Monica:
No you don't...


Ross:
No I don't! To hell with her! She left me!


Joey:
You never knew she was a lesbian...


Ross:
[stares at Joey... ] No! OK? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?


Chandler:
Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian...

[everyone stares at Chandler]


Chandler:
... Did I say that out loud?

Joey:
Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.

Monica:
Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.


Chandler:
How do you find clothes that fit?

[Monica and Richard are about to tell Monica's parents about their relationship]


Monica:
Can't we tell your parents first?


Richard:
They're both dead.


Monica:
Oh, you are *so* lucky.

Joey:
Hey Ross. If homo sapiens were in fact "homo sapiens", could that be why they're extinct?


Ross:
Joey, homo sapiens are people.


Joey:
Hey! I'm not judging here.

Chandler:
Where is Ross at? Hasn't he checked out yet?


Monica:
Are you kidding me? It's not 11:00 yet that means Ross still has 11 mins to check out of the hotel, and Ross has NEVER checked out of a hotel early.


Rachel:
Oh yeah that's right. One time Ross and I were at a hotel and we got a late check out... Ross was so happy it was the best sex we ever had!


Phoebe:
Ohhhhhhh!


Rachel:
That is until he screamed out RADISON at the end.


Phoebe:
Yeah that'll kill it.

Ross:
I guess I should have known... we'd be out somewhere, and a beautiful woman would go by, and Carol would go, "Ross, look at her." And I'd think, "My wife is cool."

Ross:
Wanna hear something weird?


Phoebe:
Always.

[Ross and Joey's first meeting]


Ross:
[glum] My wife's a lesbian.


Joey:
Cool.


Chandler:
Ross, this is Joey. Joey, Ross.

[Rachel complaining about her father]


Rachel:
Oh, it was horrible. He called me "young lady".


Chandler:
Ugh, I hate when my father calls me that.

Chandler:
Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it. I don't think that was my point.

Chandler:
All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference.

Ross:
You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major crush on you.


Rachel:
I knew.


Ross:
You did. Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.


Rachel:
I did.

Joey:
Hey, I got something for you.


Chandler:
What's this?


Joey:
Eight hundred and twelve bucks.


Chandler:
Well, I don't know what Big Leon told you but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.

Ross:
This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.


Chandler:
What, you never look down in the shower?

[pause]


Chandler:
Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make *one* joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?

Susie:
How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?


Chandler:
Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it.

[Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife]


Ross:
You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her.


Joey:
What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon.


Ross:
I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.


Chandler:
Stay out of my freezer.

[Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica]


Chandler:
That was pretty intense, huh?


Joey:
Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here.


Chandler:
I hope he did.

Rachel:
You don't want to try things too fast. You know what happened to the girl who tried things too fast?


Jill Green:
No. What?


Rachel:
Well... she died.

[Reading Rachel's "romance novel."]


Monica:
"Throbbing pens"? Don't wanna be around when he writes with those.

Rachel:
Cool. "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."

Joey:
Pheebs, you wanna help?


Phoebe:
Oh, I wish I could, but I really don't want to.

Monica:
Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?

Chandler:
Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.

Ross:
You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.


Joey:
The hell with hockey. Let's all do that.

Monica:
Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?


Joey:
I'd probably kill myself.


Monica:
Excuse me?


Joey:
Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live.


Ross:
Uh, Joey... Omnipotent.


Joey:
You are? Ross, I'm sorry.

[a ritual to get rid of bad-boyfriend karma]


Phoebe:
Okay, now we need the sage branches and the sacramental wine.


Monica:
All I have is oregano and a Fresca.


Phoebe:
That's okay.

[Adds them]


Phoebe:
All right, now we need the semen of a righteous man.


Rachel:
OK, Pheebs, you know what? If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.

Rachel:
Oh, honey. Don't get up. What do you need?


Phoebe:
Oh, no. Oh, nothing.


Rachel:
Come on. I am here to take care of you. What do you need? Anything.


Phoebe:
Okay, I have a wedgie.


Rachel:
Okay, that is all you.

[Joey enters wearing an elf costume. Chandler is in agony]


Chandler:
Too many jokes. Must mock Joey.

Phoebe:
Quit being so "testosterony".


Chandler:
...The real San Francisco treat.

Monica:
I'm Rachel. I love Ross. I hate Ross. I love Ross. I hate Ross.


Rachel:
I'm Monica. I can't get a boyfriend so I'll stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find there.

[Trying to fix up Monica with a date]


Joey:
Aw, c'mon, this guy's perfect for you.


Monica:
No, not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.

Ross:
First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault.

Monica:
You wanted it to be a surprise.


Chandler:
Oh, my God.


Monica:
Chandler, in all my life I never thought I would be so lucky as to fall in love with my best, my best...

[crying]


Monica:
There's a reason why girls don't do this.


Chandler:
Okay, okay I'll do it. I thought, wait I can do this, I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?


Monica:
Yes.

Rachel:
See? Unisex.


Joey:
Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days ago.


Rachel:
No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.


Joey:
I wouldn't say no to that.

[When asked if he knows anything about chicks]


Chandler:
Fowl? No. Women?... No.

Ross:
I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.


Rachel:
I'm sorry your wife is gay.

Chandler:
I got her machine.


Joey:
Her answering machine?


Chandler:
No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.

[after settling a fight between Monica and Rachel]


Phoebe:
Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches.

Rachel:
[walking out of the bathroom] Mon, I'm gonna to check my messages.


Chandler:
And you thought of that in there?


Monica:
Well, nature called and she wanted to see who else did.

[to Ross]


Chandler:
You know if your not careful, you could not get married at all this year.

Janice:
Goodnight my Bing-a-ling.

[Referring to Janice]


Chandler:
How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?


Joey:
I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.


Chandler:
Oh man. In my next life I'm comin' back as a toilet brush.

[Janice enters Central Perk]


Janice:
[to Chandler] Hello Funny Valentine.


Chandler:
Hello, Just Janice.

[Chandler's trying to quit smoking]


Chandler:
Eww, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock in my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.


Ross:
Okay, I think it's time to change someone's nicotine patch.

[does so]


Chandler:
[deadpan] Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.

Chandler:
Did you do it on our invitations?


Ross:
Not on the ones we sent out.


Chandler:
Oh, so it was on the ones, we had framed.

[advising Ross about Rachel]


Joey:
You waited too long and now you're in "The Friend Zone".

[Phoebe and her ex-boyfriend David meet again after a few years of being apart]


Phoebe:
You got a haircut.


David:
Yeah, well, I got like, thirty of 'em.

Chandler:
I got a job in advertising. Well, not a paying job. More of an internship. But, they hire people they like.


Joey:
Yeah, we got interns on "Days of Our Lives".


Chandler:
Yeah, it's the same thing... except, less sex with you.

Joey:
Hey, you know, you could always visit him.


Phoebe:
Oh, right, like they're going to let me have a passport?

Chandler:
[taking duck out in the hallway] Now you stay out here and you think about what you did.


Ross:
That's a duck.


Chandler:
That's a bad duck.

Joey:
It's just my character that's not brain-dead.

Joey:
Get your sorry, non-believer ass out of my chair.

Monica:
Wow. You're a really good kisser.


Chandler:
Well, I have kissed more than four women.

Chandler:
Stay... stay. Good fake dog.

Monica:
That's probably because their nerves are deadened from being so stupid.

Joey:
Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.


Rachel:
A moo point?


Joey:
Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.


Rachel:
Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?

[Chandler walks in]


Joey:
You know, with that goatee, you kinda look like Satan.

Joey:
I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films.

[Joey walks into the Central Perk coffee shop]


Joey:
Hey Gunther, have you seen Chandler?


Gunther:
I thought you were Chandler.

[Joey looks disturbed]


Gunther:
[motioning to Chandler] Um, one of you is over there.

Chandler:
I know about the baby.


Monica:
We have a baby?


Chandler:
Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.


Monica:
I didn't take a pregnancy test.


Chandler:
Then who did?


Phoebe:
They're actually married. And they're gonna have a baby.


Rachel:
Uhuh.

[repeated line]


Joey Tribbiani:
How you doin'?

Rachel:
Are you sure that on some level you don't want to take off my bra?


Joey:
I don't have another level!

Rachel:
How do I ask a guy out?


Joey:
Well when I ask a girl out I look her up and down and say, how you doing?


Rachel:
ewww


Joey:
[Turns to Phoebe] How you doing?


Phoebe:
[Giggles] Just fine.

Frank Buffay Jr.:
My sister's having my baby.

Rachel:
Come on. You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler:
You rent out these tuxes to celebrities for award shows.


Rachel:
Yeah.


Chandler:
You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people screaming "Wow. You look fabulous." at them?


Rachel:
Honey, could I recommend watching a little bit more "ESPN" and a little less "E."?

[Rachel is furious with a noise across the hall and asks what's happening]


Joey:
It's the chick. She's going through some changes.


Monica:
What kind of changes?


Chandler:
The vet seems to think she becoming a rooster.

[Rooster crows]


Chandler:
We're getting second opinion.

Monica:
Is this too cute? Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.

[Silence]


Monica:
What? I'm not like I'm gonna put little nipples on them.

Monica:
Hey. Where's Joey?


Chandler:
Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?

Joey:
All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider.

[takes a glass from the fridge]


Chandler:
Taste it.


Joey:
[drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge] Yep, it's fat. I drank fat.


Chandler:
Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.

Chandler:
[entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo] All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men.

[Chandler fights with Joey over a chair]


Chandler:
All right, fine, you know what? We'll both sit in the chair.

[sits on Joey's lap]


Chandler:
I'm soooo comfortable.


Joey:
Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.


Chandler:
All right.

[jumps up]

[Upon hearing Ross practicing the bagpipe for their wedding]


Monica:
Why must your family be Scottish?


Chandler:
Why must your family be *Ross*?

Monica:
Okay. Wait-wait-wait. Shhh.

[Bangs on her glass with a spoon to make a toast]


Monica:
Okay, umm, I just wanna say that... I love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night.

[Chandler clears his throat]


Monica:
Our special night. I mean it just wouldn't be my-our-our night, if you all weren't here to celebrate with me-us-Damnit.

Monica:
[chasing after him] Chandler. It happens to lots of guys. You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it.


Chandler:
[motioning with his hands] I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology. Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me.

[talking about engagement presents for Monica and Chandler]


Rachel:
Oh, y'know what you should get 'em? One of those little uh, portable CD players.


Monica:
Oh, I already have one.


Phoebe:
Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.


Rachel:
Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.

Joey:
[drinking a beer on the boat] Look at this clown. Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river.

[yelling]


Joey:
Get out of the way jackass.

[to Rachel]


Joey:
Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?


Rachel:
That is the Coast Guard.

Rachel:
God, this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride.

[shows Phoebe the picture]


Rachel:
And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman.

Phoebe:
Hey, can we turn on the TV? I think it's raining outside.

Phoebe:
Come on Ross, you're a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.

Monica:
You broke a little girl's leg?


Ross:
I know. I feel horrible. Okay.


Chandler:
[reading the paper] Says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night.

[to Ross]


Chandler:
Where exactly were you around ten-ish?

Chandler:
Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew. Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster.

Ross:
[to his parents] Look, I, uh- I realize you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.

Joey:
Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind.


Chandler:
Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.

Joey:
Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it'

[Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook]


Joey:
Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13.

[looks all confused]


Joey:
And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.

Monica:
This has been like my dream ever since I got my first Easy-Bake Oven and opened "Easy Monica's Bakery".

Joey:
Could you close that window? My nipples could cut glass over here.


Phoebe:
Really? Mine get me out of tickets.

Chandler:
You wanna tell secrets? Okay. In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers.


Ross:
All right. Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won.


Chandler:
Ross came in fourth and cried.


Ross:
Chandler got drunk one night and slept with the woman who cleaned our dorm.


Chandler:
That was you.


Ross:
Whatever dude. You kissed a guy.

Joey:
Wow what a cool job.

[Imitating the answering machine]


Joey:
You have two new messages. Please pass the pie.

[Ross defends his fast eating habits to Rachel]


Ross:
I grew up in a house with Monica, okay. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat.

Phoebe:
[explaining to Mike's parents and friends her song] And then it goes back to the chorus, "Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault" and that's it.

[pause]


Phoebe:
I know you didn't ask but no-one had spoken for fourteen minutes.

Phoebe:
I may play the fool at times but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.

[Upon learning he must move far away and commute to work]


Ross:
Why, it's like I've been given the gift of time.


Chandler:
That's great. Last year I got the gift of space. We should get together and make a continuum.

Monica:
[about the erogenous zones] Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.


Chandler:
That-that's bad?


Rachel:
Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Materhorn.


Chandler:
Well you might if it were anything like 7.

Joey:
I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister. Ya know, when Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for, like, ten years.


Chandler:
That was five years ago.


Joey:
I know. You got five more years.


Chandler:
Joey...


Joey:
You want to make it six?

[Rachel just found out her husband Barry has been cheating on her]


Rachel:
What is it with men? Do wedding vows mean squat to you people?


Ross:
Wait. Didn't you spend last night at Joey's


Rachel:
What are you a detective?

[Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant]


Joey:
Look Chandler, if this is going to work you have got to listen. Your gonna throw that juice in my face aren't ya?


Chandler:
It's not all juice.

[Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their baby]


Ross:
OK, how about Ruth?


Rachel:
Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old woman?

Phoebe:
Charlotte? You know, with the web? She has babies, then she dies. It's like, "Hey, mom, welcome home from the hospital." THUD.

Phoebe:
I think the most romantic song is the one that Elton John wrote for that guy from "who's the Boss?"


Monica:
Which one was that?


Phoebe:
You know, uh, "Hold me closer, Tony Danza... ￿.

Jill Green:
All right, I'm leaving. Because I'm not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That's you Rachel.


Rachel:
Yeah, I got that.

[Ross is trying to cheer Chandler up who won't get out of his sweatpants]


Ross:
C'mon man, just take 'em off, just take 'em off and we'll have some fun.

[Chandler's drunk from having jello shots]


Monica:
Stick out your tongue.


Chandler:
Take off your shirt.

Monica:
Are you sure you peed on the stick right?


Rachel:
How many ways are there to do that?

Rachel:
[after winning a hand of poker. sing-song to Ross] I have got your money, and you'll never see it, and your fly's still open

[pause]


Rachel:
ha, I made you look.

[on thanksgiving day]


Chandler:
So, when's the big game gonna start?


Phoebe:
You don't have to do that, Ross and Joey aren't here, you can watch the parade.

[Rachel is trying to stall Monica from getting ready]


Rachel:
I'll just become a lesbian


Monica:
Any woman would be lucky to have you

Gunther:
Hey buddy, this is a family place. Put the mouse back in the house.

Rachel:
How do we end up with these jerks? We're good people.


Monica:
Maybe we're like some kind of magnets.


Phoebe:
I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.


Monica:
There's more beer right?

Phoebe:
Oh, look. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his Christmas tree. Wow, you should see the size of his Christmas balls.

Joey:
[to Ross] Forget about Rachel. Go to China, eat Chinese food.


Chandler:
Of course there they'd just call it food.

Monica:
[to everybody] We have to talk.


Phoebe:
Oh, I'm getting a deja-vous. All right no I'm not.


Monica:
All right, we have to talk.


Phoebe:
There it is.

[about Ross being in love with Rachel]


Phoebe:
This is big. No this is huge. No this is like really really... all right what's bigger than huge?


Joey:
Uh, this?


Phoebe:
Yeah.

Tommy:
So, you work at Bloomindales... My mom calls it Bloomies.


Rachel:
Yeah, ok, At ease soldier.

[Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are trapped in Monica's bedroom]


Joey:
I'm hungry.


Phoebe:
We could eat the wax. It's organic.


Chandler:
Oh great, food with hair on it.


Phoebe:
No, not the used wax.


Chandler:
Because THAT would be crazy.

Joey:
You think I need a new walk?


Chandler:
What?


Joey:
Well I've had the same walk since high school and you know how when a guy walks into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.


Chandler:
Are you actually saying these words?

Chandler:
We loved Schteve. Schteve was schexy.

Joey:
Va fa napoli.

[Rachel is upset about something]


Phoebe:
Aww Pheebs.


Rachel:
Honey, that's your name.


Phoebe:
Oh, Pheebs is short for Phoebe I thought that's just what we called each other.

Joey:
Hey Mon, I got a question for you.


Monica:
Okay, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in the shower at the gym, and no I don't look.

Rachel:
Do you know the only person who'd wanna listen to this? A mental health professional. And that's only because they get paid a hundred dollars an hour.

Phoebe:
My mom used to stick her head in the oven. Actually she only did it the once, but it was pretty weird.

[At a soap opera awards show, Joey accepted an award on an absent actress' behalf]


Rachel:
Joey, you can't steal an award.


Joey:
I'm not stealing it. I'm accepting it on her behalf.


Rachel:
You don't even know what behalf means.


Joey:
I know what it means. It's a verb. As in, I behalfing it.

Joey:
Ooh-ooh-ooh. Are we opening presents?


Monica:
No. No. I shouldn't have even opened these. I mean I - Joey, I am out of control. Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present. Okay?


Joey:
Okay.


Monica:
Give me one more.


Joey:
Okay.

[hands her one]

Chandler:
I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of out secrets.


Joey:
What secrets?


Chandler:
Oh no-no, Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper.

[the girls walk away]


Joey:
You'll tell me later?


Chandler:
You already know.

Nora Bing:
Hi, Chandler. This is Dennis. He's a great guy...


Nora Bing:
[softly] ... and a fantastic lover.


Chandler:
Hello, Dennis. Thank you for pleasing my mother so.

Phoebe:
Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people?

[Rachel doesn't take his advice]


Joey:
Fine. No one ever listens to me. If the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside.

Monica:
Chandler. You're smoking again?


Chandler:
Well, yesterday I was smoking again, and today... I'm smoking still...

Monica:
So, can we still be friends and have sex?


Richard:
Sure, it'll just be something we do together, like racquetball.

[Chandler enters with a terrible hang-over]


Monica:
How ya doin'?


Chandler:
Well, my apartment's not there anymore because I drank it.

[talking about Ralph Lauren]


Joey:
I hate his underwear. one time I brought a pair marked XS and let me tell you there's no room for anything excess in there.

Ross:
Hey, Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart? Pheebs?


Phoebe:
Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?


Ross:
Hey, I might.

Chandler:
Rachel, it's the Visa card people.


Rachel:
Oh, okay. Will you take my place?


Chandler:
All right.

[on phone]


Chandler:
Yes, this is Rachel.

Phoebe:
I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.


Monica:
Wow, you - you worked in a mine?


Phoebe:
No, I worked in a Dairy Queen. Why?

Phoebe:
There was a crooked man, who had a crooked smile, who lived in a shoe, for a... while...

Chandler:
Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room.

Joey:
Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you. Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.


Chandler:
You've got waaaay too much free time.

Rachel:
Ooh, I'm a man. Ooh, I have a penis. Ooh, I have to win money to exert my power over women.

Rachel:
Hey Ben, you know what? When you were a baby, you and I used to do all sorts of stuff together, coz I was your daddy's girlfriend.


Ben:
But you're not anymore.


Rachel:
No, no we're not.


Ben:
Coz you and dad were on a break.

Monica:
Joey, did you actually interview her before you asked her to move in?


Joey:
Of course I did.


Monica:
Well, what did you ask her?


Joey:
'When can you move in?'.

Monica:
Did you just smell my hair?


Pete:
No.


Monica:
Oh my God, you still have feelings for me, don't you?


Pete:
No I don't.


Monica:
None at all?


Pete:
Okay I love you, is that so wrong?

Joey:
So, Monica. Still going out with Doctor Boring?


Monica:
He's not boring. He's just low key.

Monica:
Now come on, Chandler, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?


Chandler:
They were just giving it away at the mall...

[Monica stares]


Chandler:
...in exchange for money.

Monica:
You know Phoebe, a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow down.


Chandler:
I thought a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die.

Phoebe:
I'm going to get a coffee. Anybody want anything?


Monica:
I'll have a latte.


Ross:
I'll have a blueberry muffin, with a decaf.


Chandler:
I'll have a bagel with a little...


Phoebe:
You know I was just being polite.

Chandler:
Now, honey, I know you don't like to relinquish control...


Monica:
Oh! Relinquish is just a fancy word for "lose"!

[Chandler fell asleep, during Joey's movie. The credits roll, and Chandler wakes up]


Chandler:
Great show. Good work, Joey.


Joey:
You liked it?


Chandler:
Liked it? I loved it.


Joey:
What did you like best about it?


Chandler:
I liked... everything the whole show.


Joey:
What about the specifics?


Chandler:
Specifics? Specifics were the best part.


Joey:
What about the scene with the kangaroo?


Chandler:
I... I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.


Joey:
You fell asleep. There was no kangaroo. They didn't take any of my suggestions.

Chandler:
Look, when Monica comes in, mention fire trucks.


Joey:
Why?


Chandler:
There's this guy at her work that she says is the funniest guy she ever met.


Joey:
How could she do that? She know being funny is your thing.


Chandler:
I know. So could you mention fire trucks when she comes in.


Joey:
I don't know. I'm not too good at memorizing lines.


Chandler:
[sarcastically] It's a good thing you don't have to do that for a living.


Joey:
I know.

Monica:
Rachel, you have to find Chandler's dad.


Rachel:
Ok, what does he look like?


Monica:
He's the man in the black dress. Hurry.


Rachel:
Ok...

Ross:
Wow, Joey, that's a steamy picture.


Joey:
Yeah, I know. The magazine said it was for my gay fans.

[winks at Ross]


Ross:
Why'd you wink at me?


Joey:
Don't look at me. You're the one who like the picture so much.

Joey:
[thinking] OK, I have no feelings for Rachel. No feelings at all. She's just a friend. I mean, I might have had some feelings for her, but now they're all gone. All of them. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever had feelings for Rachel.

[Rachel walks into the room]


Rachel:
Hey, sweetie.


Joey:
[thinking] I love you.

Monica:
Look, Joey feels really bad for what happened. He thinks you hate him. He wants to move to Vermont.


Ross:
I don't hate him. It's just... You know what, I'll go talk to him. It's not his fault.


Monica:
Thank you. He already asked me where he could exchange his dollars for Vermont money.

[Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her]


Phoebe:
Look, Joey, I know about your feelings.


Joey:
Oh, you do?


Phoebe:
Yeah, and I don't think it could happen.


Joey:
I know. I mean it's not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel.


Phoebe:
Uhh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends.

[under her breath]


Phoebe:
Kick me in the stomach why don't you.


Joey:
What?


Phoebe:
Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her.


Joey:
You think?


Phoebe:
Yeah. I mean I've had them for you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us before, right?


Joey:
No, not really.


Phoebe:
[under her breath] Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya?

[Monica and Chandler come back from London]


Phoebe:
Oh, my god. You had sex.


Monica:
No, we didn't.


Phoebe:
[to Chandler] I know YOU didn't, I'm saying she did.

Phoebe:
Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo.


Ross:
Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name.


Rachel:
Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French.


Ross:
That's a great name... for an industrial solvent.


Rachel:
Ok, you got a better one?


Ross:
Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin.


Rachel:
Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard.


Phoebe:
By Sandrine.

Joey:
C'mon. I got *your* secrets, I got *their* secrets; I got secrets of my own you know.


Rachel:
[rolling her eyes] You don't have any secrets


Joey:
Oh yeah? Well you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal.

[blushes, embarrassed]

[Rachel approaches a woman, who she thinks is Chandler's dad]


Rachel:
Hi, I'm Rachel. And you are?


Woman:
Amanda.


Rachel:
Oh... I get it. A-man-duh.

Joey:
I don't get it. Why can't we use the same toothbrush? We use the same soap.


Chandler:
That's different. The toothbrush has been in my mouth.


Joey:
OK. But next time you're in the shower, think of the first place you're washing, and the last place I washed.

Ross:
I'm really going to have to settle down. I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.

[Joey giggles]


Ross:
What's so funny?


Chandler:
He thought you said "gonad".

[Chandler and Joey got two lawn chairs, a chick and a duck]


Chandler:
Could we BE more white trash?

Chandler:
Wow. What a kitchen.

[looks further inside]


Chandler:
Slash, bathroom.

[Ross and Rachel are picking out names for their baby, and have each 5 vetoes]


Ross:
Curie.


Rachel:
Veto. Rain.


Ross:
Veto. Mark.


Rachel:
Veto. Vince.


Ross:
Veto. Lance.


Rachel:
Veto. James.


Ross:
Hmmm...


Rachel:
If it's a girl.


Ross:
Veto.


Phoebe:
Is it just me, or is Vito beginning to sound real good?

Phoebe:
Observe the art of seduction. Watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.

[Jack knows that Richard is dating a younger woman, but doesn't know that it's actually Monica]


Jack Geller:
Come on, tell us.


Jack's friend:
Yeah. Is she really 20?


Richard:
I'm not telling you guys anything.


Jack Geller:
Come on, Rich. It's my birthday, let me live vicariously.


Ross:
Dad, you really don't want to do that.


Jack Geller:
Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?


Richard:
Jack, would you let it go?


Jack Geller:
Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got my Porsche. You... you got your own speedster.


Richard:
Guys, seriously, it's not like that.


Jack Geller:
Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I could...


Ross:
Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.

Monica:
Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry? I CAN'T STOP SMILING.


Rachel:
I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

Chandler:
All right. You guys don't have to stop having fun just 'cause I'm here. You don't have to feel bad, either. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you...

[to Joey]


Chandler:
Well, except you.

Phoebe:
What happens to the old Christmas trees?


Joey:
They go into the chipper.


Phoebe:
Why do I get the feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?

Janine:
3, 2, 1. Happy New Year.

[kisses Joey]


Joey:
[mumbles] Oomchimawa.

[after hearing about Chandlers breakup with Janice]


Phoebe:
Where's Chandler?


Joey:
He's grieving.

[We see Chandler running outside]


Chandler:
I'M FREE. I AM FREE.

Rachel:
I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?


Joey:
Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography.


Monica:
Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in.


Joey:
Well, I think we all learned something.

Monica:
I can't believe my dad saw us having sex. He didn't make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees.

Phoebe:
Well, I'm a pacifist. But, when the revolution comes, I'll destroy all of you.

[pause]


Phoebe:
Except for you, Joey.

Monica:
I think I'd be great in a war. I'd, like, get all the medals.


Chandler:
Before or after you're executed by your own troops?

Phoebe:
Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap, asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said all you need is to write them a song. Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No don't sing along. Monica, Monica, have a happy Hannukah. I saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy. And Rachel and Chandler... have a

[mumble]


Phoebe:
handlerrrrr.

Joey:
Yeah, it's just like that thing about Santa.


Phoebe:
What thing about Santa?


Joey:
You know, that he doesn't exist.


Phoebe:
Oh yeah. Of course.


Joey:
Ok, see you later.

[leaves]


Phoebe:
Bye.

[stares, terrified]

Phoebe:
You still love Rachel.


Ross:
No, I don't.


Phoebe:
You got married to her.


Ross:
In Vegas. I was so drunk, I could've married Joey.


Phoebe:
[angry] Hey. You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribianni.

Chandler:
Now, remember, Ben, keep your balance.


Ben:
Thanks, daddy.


Ross:
No, remember, Ben, two mommies, one daddy.

[On living alone]


Joey:
I thought it'd be great, you know? have some time alone with my thoughts... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

[When one of Ross' male students claims to be in love with him]


Ross:
I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it? Am I giving out some kind of... sexy professor vibe?


Rachel:
Not right now.

Chandler:
[comes home] Hey.


Monica:
Hey. Guess who's coming to Thanksgiving dinner?


Chandler:
Sidney Poitier?

[laughs by himself]


Monica:
[pause] I miss Rachel...

Joey:
They want me to do frontal nudity. I can't do that. My grandmother's gonna see that movie.


Phoebe:
Well, grandma's gonna have to get in line.

[winks at Joey]

Chandler:
My dad slept with Mr. Gribaldi.


Monica:
Who's Mr. Gribaldi?


Chandler:
DOES IT MATTER?

Monica:
Pack your things, we're going to Vegas.


Chandler:
You mean, we're just gonna elope? This is great. We're gonna save so much money. And, no more pain-in-the-ass planning.

[Monicas stares at him]


Chandler:
Oh, we're not going to elope. We have so much money, could our wedding please be bigger?

Charles Bing:
Hello, Nora.


Nora Bing:
Hello, Charles.


Charles Bing:
Well, it's nice to see all of you. Although we are seeing a bit too much of some. Aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?


Nora Bing:
Don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that!

Chandler:
Here's something I hope I never have to say again. My dad called, and he asked me if he can borrow one of your pearl necklaces.


Monica:
Oh, I don't have anything like that. I'll go see if Rachel has one.


Chandler:
Yes, include more people in this.

[Joey is starring in a World War I epic]


Ross:
Why are you wearing sunglasses?


Joey:
Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks.


Ross:
Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I.


Joey:
Really? Great.

Ross:
Ok, look. You don't have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That's not so scary is it?


Chandler:
Depends on what you mean by "we".

Chandler:
Ok, I'm just going to go outside.


Ross:
Whoa, whoa, hold it.


Chandler:
Don't worry. I'm not going to run away again. I just want to get some fresh air.


Ross:
Ok.


Chandler:
[exits into hallway and lights a cigarette] Ahh, fresh air...

[Chandler is walking down the aisle with both his parents]


Chandler:
You look beautiful mom.


Nora Bing:
Thanks, dear.


Charles Bing:
Ahem.


Chandler:
You... look beautiful too, dad.

[Ross is walking down the aisle at Chandler and Monica's wedding]


Ross:
Wow. This is the first time I've walked down the aisle without the possibility of it ending in divorce.

Ross:
All right, I'll tell you why you're a bad driver. You're fast and irresponsible.


Rachel:
Well, excuse me but in high school that made me head cheerleader.

Ross:
[clinks wine glass] Uhh, excuse me. If I could have everybody's attention. I'm Ross Geller.


Jack Geller:
DR. Ross Geller.


Ross:
Dad... Please. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm Dr. Ross Geller...

Monica:
[about Chandler's mother's new boyfriend] So, how did you two meet?


Nora Bing:
Well, actually, it's a funny story...


Chandler:
Funny, "ha ha"? Or, funny-

[makes a gun with his hand and pretends to blow his brains out]

Ross:
Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even let me in the apartment.


Phoebe:
Hmmm, I wonder why, pervert?


Ross:
I'm not a pervert.


Phoebe:
Please, that's the pervert motto. They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand in your pants and say that.

[Chandler is caught smoking]


Phoebe:
Oh, I can't believe you. You've been so good, for three years.


Chandler:
And this- is my reward.


Ross:
Hold on a second, all right? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.


Chandler:
Okay, so this time I won't quit.

Joey:
So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date?


Ross:
Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather.


Joey:
They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you.

Joey:
I am telling this to Rachel.


Monica:
No, Joey.


Joey:
Unless...


Chandler:
Unless what?


Joey:
Unless you name your first born after me.


Chandler:
What? Why?


Joey:
Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name.


Chandler:
Your family name is Tribianni.

[pause]


Joey:
Oh ho ho. You almost had me there.

Monica:
Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this. Please have this bachelor party.


Chandler:
No.


Monica:
Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman get naked.


Chandler:
...All right.


Joey:
YEAH.


Chandler:
But, I'm only doing this for you... And Joey.


Monica:
Ok, so who's going to be there?


Chandler:
No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating enough.


Ross:
Well, actually, I have a date tonight.


Chandler:
Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would blow off a date for a fake bachelor party.


Joey:
[on cell phone] Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make it tonight...

Mona:
Thanks for showing me your pre-fossilized rock collection. You got 300 of them. It was fascinating. So, we still on for tonight?


Ross:
Sure.


Mona:
Ok. Bye.


Ross:
Bye.


Chandler:
[to Ross] Wow, you must be great in bed.

Joey:
You two were having sex.


Monica:
No, we weren't.


Joey:
Yeah, you were. I can see it by the back of Chandler's hair.

[to Chandler]


Joey:
You are so lazy, can't you get on top for once?

Chandler:
[to a woman] Come on, I'll show you to my room... Wow, that sounds weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late".

Chandler:
[to Ross] Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself.

Phoebe:
Look, I had a hard life. My mother was killed by a drug dealer.


Monica:
Phoebe, your mom killed herself.


Phoebe:
She was a drug dealer.

Phoebe:
You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.


Chandler:
Maureen Rosilla.


Ross:
"'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni" is not a real reason.

[Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part]


Joey:
I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, all right? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of... y'know, the Little General.


Chandler:
Didn't you use to call it the Little Major?


Joey:
Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.

Ross:
[on Monica's phone] Yeah, Tony, hold on.

[gets second line]


Ross:
Hello? Yeah, she's right here. Hold on.

[returns to second line]


Ross:
Yeah, Tony I'll call you back. It's my sister's boyfriend.

[switches back to second line]


Monica:
Give me that.

[into phone]


Monica:
Hi sweetie. Before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your house?

[pause]


Monica:
Oh, hi mom.

[starts throwing things at Ross]

Chandler:
I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

[after Joey told Rachel he loved her, she told him her boss wanted to buy her baby in order to make things less awkward]


Rachel:
Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things...


Joey:
I know. I know.


Rachel:
It kinda worked. I mean you know, I don't know about you but I haven't thought about our thing since all this.


Joey:
Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit.


Rachel:
Yeah I know. I miss that.


Joey:
Me too. I mean I... haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward.

[long, awkward pause]


Rachel:
My gynecologist tried to kill me.

Chandler:
[about Richard] Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.


Joey:
Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.


Richard:
Well...


Joey:
No, I'm serious. Chandler and I were just talkin' about this. He is so much cooler than our dads.

[Chandler kicks, out of sight]


Joey:
I mean, you know, our dads are okay, you know? But Richard is just- ow, ow.

[to Chandler]


Joey:
What are you kickin' me for, huh? I'm tryin' to talk here.

[At an audition]


Joey:
Come on, give me another chance. I can do a southern accent.

[with Jamaican accent]


Joey:
Ya, mon.

Phoebe:
So let's say I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time. Okay. Hi. Come on in, I'm uh, Regina Philange.


Chandler:
Chandler Bing.


Phoebe:
Bing, what an unusual name.


Chandler:
Well you should meet my uncle, Bada.

[pause]


Chandler:
I'll let myself out.

Joey:
She's so great. She kisses like my mom cooks.


Monica:
I am so glad you said "cooks".

Monica:
So you wanna?


Chandler:
OK.

[pauses]


Chandler:
I can't.


Monica:
[Snaps] Well you're not 18 anymore, but give it a minute.


Chandler:
I can't because of Emma.


Monica:
Oh, Emma, Sweetie, I forgot you were here.

Joey:
Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman. And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition.

Monica:
Anyway, are you gonna get a handyman to install all this stuff?


Rachel:
No, I was going to do this all by myself.


Joey:
[laughs] You're gonna do it?


Rachel:
Yeah. Why, you don't think a woman can do this?


Joey:
Oh, women can. You... can't.

Ross:
I love marriage.


Phoebe:
Seriously? You?... Divorce-O?

[after having sex with Rachel's boss]


Rachel:
You promised you would break up with her.


Chandler:
I did break up with her. She just took it really, really well.

Rachel:
I don't want my baby's first words to be "How You Doing"

Ross:
If you're going to call me names, I would prefer Ross, the Divorce Force. It's just cooler.

[Everyone is eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel don't want to order something expensive because they can't afford it]


Rachel:
I will have the uh,

[whispers]


Rachel:
side salad.


Waiter:
[whispers] And what will that be on the side of?


Rachel:
Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?

Monica:
Whose little ball of paper is this?


Chandler:
Oh, it's mine. I wrote a note to myself, and then I realized I didn't need, so I balled it up...

[notices Monica's angry glare]


Chandler:
And now I wish I was dead.

[Ross's hand is in a cast and he is struggling to write something down]


Joey:
Hey, do you need any help?


Ross:
Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my mis-shapened claw?

Rachel:
[upon receiving her first paycheck] Who's FICA? Why is he getting all my money?

[Joey and Chandler are trying to break into a closet]


Joey:
Do you have a bobby pin?


Chandler:
Wait.

[runs hands through hair]


Chandler:
Oh, that's right. I'm NOT an eight year-old girl.


Joey:
Really? Then why do you throw like one?

Rachel:
Well, it was about half an hour before the wedding and I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents and someone had bought us this beautiful Limoges gravy boat. And then it hit me. I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.

Rachel:
I'm not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he's divorced.


Monica:
No, you go after them five minutes before they get married...

[talking to Monica]


Chandler:
Yeah, I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.

[Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes]

[Just been told the patients date of birth]


Joey:
Age...?


Patient:
Can't you work that out by my date of birth?


Joey:
I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.

Monica:
Do you ever think about the future?


Richard:
Yeah, I think about the future.


Monica:
Am I in it?


Richard:
You are my future.


Monica:
Honey, you are about to get so lucky.

Ross:
I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.


Joey, Chandler:
That's nice.


Ross:
No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me.


Joey:
Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.


Ross:
Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield.


Chandler:
What are you crazy? That's a baby!


Joey:
He should take the sack?


Ross:
Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father.


Chandler:
Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.


Joey:
Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.

[Chandler and Joey are being lazy in new recliners, and Chandler ordered pizza to be delivered to Monica's]


Chandler:
Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.


Joey:
What if we have to pee?

[pause]


Chandler:
I'll cancel the sodas...

Phoebe:
A plate of brownies once told me a Limerick.


Chandler:
Let me ask you, Phoebe: were these "funny brownies"?


Phoebe:
Not particularly. Although I do think they had pot in them.

Joey:
Is Phoebe here with the cab yet?


Chandler:
Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Jump in.

[Joey's mom is talking about his father's mistress]


Gloria Tribbiani:
In a perfect world, she wouldn't exist. And your father would look like Sting.

Chandler:
You know what they say, ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.

Chandler:
You took your eggs and you left. Do you really expect me never to find new eggs?

Phoebe:
Soap Opera Digest. That's one of my favorite digests.

[Chandler's roommate, Eddie has just accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriend and killing his fish]


Phoebe:
Why would you kill his fish?


Chandler:
Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.

Chandler:
Ding dong, the psycho's gone.

Chandler:
So, is he house trained or is he going to leave little bathroom tiles all over the place?

Richard:
[about Chandler & Joey] They're different from my other friends, they don't start sentences with "you know who just died shoveling snow?"

Joey:
There's no juice for the people who need the juice and want the juice and I need the juice.

Rachel:
How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?

Chandler:
Goodbye, you fruit drying psychopath.

[Joey has to keep everyone in his apartment]


Judy Geller:
Well, we'll get going.


Jack Geller:
Bye.

[both leave]


Monica:
Hey. How come they get to leave?


Joey:
Hey, Jack is a great man. He fought for our country.


Monica:
No, he didn't. He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea.

[Looking through the ads in a newspaper]


Monica:
There are no jobs for me.


Joey:
Wait, here's one. Um, would you be willing to cook naked?


Monica:
There's an ad for a naked chef?


Joey:
No. But if you'd be willing to COOK naked, you might be willing to DANCE naked.

Ross:
Hey, remember when I had a monkey? Yeah, what was I thinking?

Rachel:
[upset] All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little.


Ross:
Seriously?


Rachel:
Yes, I was 4 years-old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to - had to cut a big chunk of my hair.

[she starts crying]


Rachel:
And it was uneven for weeks.


Ross:
[sarcastically] And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie.


Rachel:
Ok, fine. You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there.

[pause]


Rachel:
And I was thinking Claire Danes.

Phoebe:
A person's wedding is important. And especially to me. OK? I didn't have a graduation party. And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tyre yard by an escaped mental patient who in his own words wanted to "kill me, or whatever." So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.

[Ross looking at Monica's legs]


Ross:
Wow.


Chandler:
Hey stop staring at my wife's legs. No, no, stop staring at your sister's legs

[Telling Rachel how to be sexy]


Joey:
There was this movie, "Footloose".


Chandler:
"Flashdance".


Joey:
Where this plumber chick...


Chandler:
She was a welder


Joey:
What, were you like *in* the movie?

Ross:
I made Marcel's favorite: Banana cake...


Joey:
Mmm.


Ross:
...with mealworm.


Joey:
Ugh.

Phoebe:
They're coming. Run!


Joey:
Where?


Phoebe:
Mexico!

Rachel:
I've never been to an analyst!


Phoebe:
And it shows.

Joey:
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get you?


Chandler:
It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!

Chandler:
What? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?


Ross:
A little louder, okay? I think there's a man on the twelfth floor - in a COMA - who didn't hear you.

Joey:
Of course it was a line!


Monica:
Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that?


Ross:
I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than, "to get you into bed."

Ross:
You-you-you-you

[trying to remain in control]


Ross:
threw my sandwich away MY SANDWICH? MY SANDWICH!

Chandler:
Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.


Joey:
I will not take this abuse.

[Walks to the door and opens it to leave]


Chandler:
You're right, I'm sorry.

[Burst into song and dances out of the door]


Chandler:
'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy... '

Rachel:
You gotta come with me!


Phoebe:
Come where?


Rachel:
Wherever I go! Come on! You and me. We'll... we'll start a new group! We're the best ones!


Phoebe:
Okay, but try and get Joey, too.

Phoebe:
You guys, you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment.


Rachel:
Yeah, especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around.

Ross:
So, uh, how long are you going to punish him?


Joey:
Five years.


Ross:
You've sentenced him?


Joey:
Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Rachel:
Thank you for my beautiful earrings, they're perfect. I love you.


Ross:
Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, okay?


Rachel:
Now I love you even more.

Joey:
Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?


Ross:
Yeah, sure.


Joey:
By someone besides Monica?

Chandler:
And this from the cry-for-help department: Are you wearing makeup?


Joey:
Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.


Chandler:
That's funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.

Chandler:
Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.


Monica:
He's in the bathroom... I don't think you wanna go in there!


Chandler:
C'mon, we're roommates... Aaaaaaaagh! My eyes! My eyes!

Ross:
Did you see the kid on that nose?

[Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container possible with it. Chandler enters]


Chandler:
Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part... or Italy called and said it was hungry.

Phoebe:
Sting's pen...

[as she puts it in her purse]


Phoebe:
... that he gave to Phoebe.

Chandler:
We're getting a house.


Monica:
We're getting a baby.


Chandler:
We're growing up.


Monica:
We sure are.


Chandler:
So who's going to tell them?


Monica:
Not it.


Chandler:
Not it. Damn it!

Chandler:
What are you guys like a gang or something?

[Joey whispers to Rachel]


Joey:
Yeah, we are.

[Rachel whispers to Joey]


Rachel:
We're the Cobras.

Erica:
[playing a joke on Chandler] It'd really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, if you'd name him after my father - JimminyBillyBob.

Chandler:
[talking to Monica about the new house] When did you start crapping money?

Rachel:
Ok, Joey, we'll do it one more time. Don't forget the rules -heads I win, tails you lose.


Joey:
Just flip the coin!

Ross:
[frantically presses buttons on answering machine] Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?


Rachel:
[from behind] I got off the plane.

Ross:
Hi...


Joey:
Pfft... This guy says, "Hello, " I wanna kill myself.

Ross:
Grab a spoon... Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? Do the words "Billy don't be a hero" mean anything to you?


Joey:
Great story! But I gotta go... I date with Angela... Andrea... Oh man!


Chandler:
Andrea's the screamer, Angela has cats.


Joey:
Right thanks... it's Julie... I'm outta here!

Rachel:
Guess what?


Ross:
You got a job?


Rachel:
Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed at 12 interviews today


Chandler:
And yet you're surprisingly upbeat!


Rachel:
Well you would be too if you got new boots 50% off


Chandler:
Oh how well you know me

Ross:
Oh, I gotta go, kids... I got Lamaze class.


Chandler:
Oh! And I got Earth Science but I'll catch you in gym?

Ross:
So I don't know if he's testing me or just acting out but my monkey is OUT OF CONTROL!... He keeps erasing the messages on my machine!


Rachel:
Oh yeah... I've done that


Ross:
And a few days ago he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword!


Rachel:
I've never done that


Ross:
And last night I don't know what he did but there were capers EVERYWHERE!

Chandler:
I know they call this a love seat but I'm not feeling anything special towards you...


Ross:
[takes newspaper... folds it up... faces Chandler... and hits him... ]

Ross:
I want someone who gets my heart pounding

[sees Rachel]


Ross:
... Someone who...


Chandler:
Little play things with yarn?


Ross:
What?


Chandler:
Could you want her more?


Ross:
Who?


Chandler:
Dee the sarcastic sister from "What's Happening".

Rachel:
You didn't finish reading it?


Ross:
It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for eighteen pages - front and back!

Rachel:
Didn't the chick and the duck di...


Phoebe:
-ve, dive. Yeah, they dove. Head first into fun on the farm.

Ross:
Hey who is this Casey? Why's he calling Rachel?


Chandler:
Well I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... You know make a little love... Well pretty much get down tonight...


Ross:
[puts message in cupboard]

Phoebe:
[Pulls out Monica's old bathing suit] Hey Monica what's this?


Monica:
Oh, that's my old bathing suit from high school... I was bigger then...


Chandler:
Really... I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticutt when it rained...

Chandler:
And by the way, Count Rushmore doesn't exist.


Joey:
Oh yeah? Then who's the guy who painted all the faces on the mountain?

Monica:
What about friends of your grandmother's? Wouldn't they have the recipe?


Phoebe:
Well, you know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother,

[trying to pronounce her name in French]


Phoebe:
Nestl￿oulouse.


Monica:
What was her name?


Phoebe:
[again trying to pronounce it in French] Nestl￿oulehouse.


Monica:
Nestle Toll House?


Phoebe:
Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.

Benjamin Hobart:
If you say yes, I'm serious, if you say no, I'm joking.

Ross:
You're crazy!


Benjamin Hobart:
Crazy? Or... Romantic?


Ross:
Crazy!


Benjamin Hobart:
Ooor...


Ross:
Get out!

Rachel:
[Referring to Ross's new girlfriend] Ooh look, she's touching his leg.


Phoebe:
Oh you see, that's probably nothing she's very sexually aggressive.

Rachel:
It's sick!


Monica:
Why is it sick?


Rachel:
Because it's Richard's son. It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner.

Rachel:
[looking sad after finding out Joey's girlfriend, Kristin was just a loner, not looking for a serious relationship, when Rachel and Phoebe wanted their realtionship to work] Well, I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here after all.


Phoebe:
No, just another regular flying dwarf.

Joey:
Do you practice losing at the Grammys too?


Rachel:
No, at the Grammys, I always win.

Janice:
It's a small world after all.


Chandler:
Yeah. And I still don't get bumped into Beyonce!

[Ross is about to tell Rachel that he loves her before she leaves for Paris, but Gunther walks up to her first]


Gunther:
I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know.


Rachel:
Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a caf￿having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw.

[kisses him on the cheek]

[Ross is trying to talk Rachel's boss into giving her her job back so she won't go to Paris; Mr. Zelner has a son who is also named Ross]


Ross:
Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance?


Mr. Zelner:
Yeah, they're all he talks about, why?


Ross:
How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants.

[Mr. Zelner looks shocked]


Ross:
I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones - fossils!

Joey:
[Joey is talking on the phone to the mom of a girl he met in the hospital who is in labour] Joey Tribianni

[pause]


Joey:
25

[pause]


Joey:
Yeah I'm single

[pause]


Joey:
Actor... hello?

Ross:
[after trying to kiss his cousin]

[thinking]


Ross:
Say something. Say anything. Nothing you say could make this situation worse. Oh my God, this is the longest that anyone has not spoken EVER.

[actually speaking to his cousin]


Ross:
I haven't had sex in a very long time.

[thinking again]


Ross:
Yeah you really shouldn't have said anything.

Chandler:
I can't say hump or screw in front of the b-a-b-y... I just spelled the wrong words didn't I?

Ross:
[waiting for Rachel and Monica to come out of the bathroom] Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?


Richard:
No.


Ross:
Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?


Richard:
I have a little comb.


Ross:
Oh. And what do you call that?


Richard:
A moustache comb.

[Monica tells the others that she and Chandler won't have any more sex before the wedding]


Ross:
A no sex pact! I have one of those with every woman in America!

Monica:
I'll never have a first kiss again.


Phoebe:
You'll have a last kiss.

Joey:
How come we don't have jam at our place?


Chandler:
Because the kids need shoes.

Phoebe:
[sings] Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? / Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault!

Chandler:
...And I'm not sure about this actor guy, because when he left a message and he heard my name "Chandler Bing", he said "Woah! Short message!"

Ross:
Because women never like Joey. You know, I hear he's a virgin?

Phoebe:
It's raining. I don't like to fly in the rain.


Joey:
Oh, I'm going to go for a walk in the rain.


Rachel:
Oh... me too!


Phoebe:
Huh! I bet they're doing it!

[a beautiful women is checking out Chandler]


Phoebe:
[stands up] Ok, I need to get this right so give me a sec...

[clears throat and talks in a deep voice]


Phoebe:
Yo, dude. Eleven o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out.

Joey:
[after talking about Chandler being picky with girls] Chandler, I understand you. I mean, this one time, I went out with this girl, she had the biggest Adam's apple!

Joey:
Heh. Let me get this straight. He got you to *beg* to sleep with him. He got you to say he *never* has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a *great* idea?


Phoebe:
[weakly] Uh-huh.


Joey:
This man is my God!

Phoebe:
[Rachel's hormones are raging] She's going through her fourth month of pregnancy. Remember when I was in my fourth month?


Monica:
Yes, that was the Evander Holyfield period. You know, you were so hard up, you even came on to me.


Phoebe:
Did not!


Monica:
Yes, you did.

[puts on a seductive look]


Monica:
Listen, Phoebe, I could have had you if I had wanted you.


Phoebe:
Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on.

[blows Monica a kiss]


Rachel:
Guys! Stop it! This is even turning me on!

Monica:
Come on, I see you looking at other women's breasts all the time!


Chandler:
You see that?


Monica:
Do you see this?

[opens her mouth and stares]


Monica:
Duhhhhhh?

Monica:
[Monica has refused to go out with Chandler] Darn it! There's no more soda.


Chandler:
I'll go get some.


Monica:
Really?


Chandler:
Well, I would,

[shouts]


Chandler:
but I'm not your boyfriend!

Monica:
[the Friends are at the beach] Okay, just don't go swimming right after you eat.


Chandler:
[to Joey] You know that's not really true.


Joey:
Try telling that to my Uncle Vinnie.


Chandler:
Why? What happened to him?


Joey:
Nothing; he just really believes that.

Dr. Leonard Green:
So, Geller, is this what you dumped my Rachel for,

[points at Mona]


Dr. Leonard Green:
so you could hang around with this tramp!


Mona:
*Tramp*?


Ross:
Oh, uh; Dr. Green, Mona; Mona, Dr. Green.

Rachel:
How about for a girl, Rain?


Ross:
Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat."


Phoebe:
I know her!

Ross:
You guys won't believe what I have to do for work today!


Chandler:
Yes, but Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.

Ross:
I think it'll be a boy.


Phoebe:
I think it'll be a girl.


Ross:
Phoebe, you thought Ben would be a girl.


Phoebe:
Have you seen him throw a ball?

[Rachel, Phoebe and Joey have just found out that Chandler, Ross and Monica went to an after party with Hootie and the Blowfish]


Phoebe:
What's on your neck?


Monica:
That? That would be the work of a Blowfish.

Chandler:
[after accidentally spitting out gum whilst trying to blow a bubble to "charm" Jill Goodacre]

[thinks]


Chandler:
Just reach over and pick it up...

[discreetly picks up gum from table and pops it back in mouth]


Chandler:
There we go! Good save! Now it's all good and you're... chewing someone else's gum. Oh, my God! Oh, my *God*!

[suddenly starts to gag]


Chandler:
And now you're choking.


Jill Goodacre:
[frowns] Are you okay?

[Chandler continues to choke and flashes a thumbs-up]

[Monica and Chandler are having sex in the other room]


Joey:
You can't have s-e-x in front of a b-a-b-i-e

[Listening to Phoebe and Mike breaking up whilst holding a heavy sofa]


Chandler:
Aaaaaand... Hernia.

Ross:
The door's closed! I can't see anything with the door closed!


Chandler:
And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

Phoebe:
[singing] Jingle bitch screwed me over. Go to hell jingle whore. Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell.

Joey:
Dude, stop talkin' crazy and make us some tea!

Chandler:
[Monica thinks their maid stole her pants and bra] Monica, come on do you really think that she would steal from us, then come back and wear it right in front of you?


Monica:
Don't you see? It's the PERFECT crime!


Chandler:
[acting as outraged as her] She must have been planning this for years!

Janice:
[Janice walks downstairs and finds Monica and Chandler looking at her house] What a small world!


Chandler:
...And yet, I never run into Beyonce.

Joey Tribbiani:
You don't put words in people's mouths, you put *turkey* in people's mouths!